Hunger Games: A timetravelers recap
by Demonkakan
Summary: I have not had a beta for this fic: you are warned! One of Beetee's experiments goes wrong and Katniss travels back in time. She has to start her adventures from the beginning; one hellish step at the time, not knowing what to change and what to not change. But one thing is clear; Prim must not die.


**A HUNGER GAME TIME TRAVEL FIC**

By Demonkakan

_The original fic belongs to Suzanne Collins (and whatever publisher that co-own it) and I have merely borrowed her epic book to do my own spin on it because I couldn't leave it alone. _

_Please don't sue. _

**Part I**

Chapter 1

I'm looking around, feeling cold without Peeta by my side. My fingers are numbed from gripping the wineglass to hard and my posture is stiff and slightly unfriendly, but not in the aggressive sense since that would be dangerous.

Peeta left me about an hour ago, but it feels like a lifetime since people won't stop bothering me. The curse to bear when you're a surviving tribute and a war hero.

I don't understand why I have to be here, making nice and small talking. Stuck in a room full with judgmental rich people, the so called winners of the war; the new high-shots from the districts.

I hate being here it; these things always make me feel dirty.

This time it´s a formal function to celebrate the revolt against the old regime, always held at the same time every year. Still not used to them.

Anyone that's anyone is here tonight and since I'm the '_Girl on fire'_ I suppose I have a place amongst them. Even the killing of the hag Coin can´t stop that fact, though I don´t play a central role in the celebration; that role is for the other tributes and famous officers and rebels.

A fact for which I am grateful for, the political climate isn't my turf and as it is I feel like a fish caught on dry land. So what if it´s about 20 year since I entered the Hunger Games and became their freedom symbol? I don't want any part in celebrating it. I did what I had to do to survive; in the process destroying district 12, causing Prim´s and Finnick´s deaths and so much other horrible things - nothing to be happy or proud about.

But Peeta is the socialist and charismatic one of us and if he says we have to attend every year to keep our family safe, then I will attend and look overjoyed about it. At least for the first half hour when everyone seems to only have eyes for us. So here I am three hours later and bored to death, irritated and alone; dinning with the elite of the new society and it´s heroes in a muck gesture of unity. Not that the new rule system is that different from the old one.

The districts war against each other and the capital left district 1 to 12 weak and vulnerable. Even now there is still rebuilding being done in large parts of the different districts in an attempt to consolidate Panem into one united nation.

It is very much as President Snow said. If we turn against the capitol Panem would start dying. The Panem we had and the Panem we got wasn't what we fought for. What I fought for.

District 13 now has the gun power and main resources - thus giving them jurisdiction and power to take a leading role in the rebuilt of a new government. Strange how they had managed to be the least war torn district and no one realizing it. District 13 has used us to win their war and we love them for it. But to voice that thought out loud would lead to death and I have a family to think about.

Me acting on my own had already lead to my sister's and loved ones death, I'm not doing the same mistake again. So I smile cold and stiff at the mingling crowd and wish Peeta quick return before I do something stupid.

…

Another hour passes.

I can't stand this people for much longer, not alone anyway.

At time like this I mourn the fact I'm not like Johanna. She is standing in the middle of the party, insulting anyone who dares to approach her, her wife Enobaria egging her on. Still dressed in forest based clothes, which she abhors, and looking like a pissed of warrior-god.

Johanna never really changed.

She is still the fierce person I got to know in the arena, ready to take on the world and anyone that wrongs her. Enobaria completing the picture perfectly in her golden-like armor-suit, gleaming teeth and dark-golden skin.

They work so perfect together; both in personality and looks, I still don't understand why it took so long before they found each other. Johanna holds no fears of telling her mind and everyone fears her strong will, except for Enobaria; who is just as fearsome and strong willed.

However, unlike Johanna and Enobaria if I would speak my mind chaos would follow because I'm the '_girl on fire'_ and when I speak city falls and people die. So for years I have held my tongue and bore the idiocy of the people around me. Still a puppet with strings, only the controller has shifted.

The only time I'm free to speak is when I and Peeta escape into the forest in district 12, to my hidden cabin. A secret place where we can escape from the people watching us.

Suddenly I get goose bumps along my arms and a familiar smell fills my nose. I close my eye and leave my face even blanker than before because I recognize the person's aura and smell quickly; knowing that I can´t allow him to discovering my real thoughts or feelings.

Many years have passed but the pain this man causes me with his mere presence has never lessened, mostly because of his part in my sister's death and because his love for district 13. The last time I spoke my mind around him he reported me to the new leaders because he was concerned off my behavior.

Within three days of that event I was collected. Picked up in the middle of the day in front of my own house.

For 7 months I was being subjected to everything the new president _Casipor_ and his parti could think off and then some; because they believed me a threat to the public and the new rule. All in the name of making me well. Saying to the people that I snapped at last and needed care.

The only reason I was released was because of Peeta and Haymitch, they coached me until I could lie my way out of there. Until I could convince _him_ of my devotion to the new leading power of Panem.

For the first time ever I really learned how to make a convincing act. Though Peeta and Haymitch still say I will never make a pro. I know us everything they thought me to survive functions like this. Especially towards people loyal to district 13 democrat régime. People like him.

I turn around and force a smile to my face and put a glimmer of joy in my eyes. Pretending to just notice him. His smile is wide and warm and I'm suddenly desperately for Peeta's presence; the man in front of me never approaches when we are together, thus preventing my mask from cracking.

"Katniss." A baritone voice says softly, a pair of similar grey eyes as mine looking at me with soft warmth. He is so alike me in looks, but where he is warm I am cold.

Like it has always been.

"Gale." I say back, noticing the coldness in my voice. I clear my throat and try again. "How are you? Still enjoy leading the science-department in 13:e?"

His eyes bore into mine as if he tries to find something. I repeat the mantra Peeta taught me so long ago: _smile until you truly are smiling, be pleasant until you truly are pleasant and no matter what __**never**__ let them see any truth but the truth you want them to see_. I try to broaden my already wide smile and relax my body language a bit more.

Whatever Gale is looking for he doesn´t find it and his smile is back within seconds. I recognize the smile, for even if Gale and Peeta are good liars they have never been able at conceal themselves from me. Gale gets more aggressive in his ways and his smile becomes a stiff grimace, whilst Peeta is the opposite; he gets cooled, withdrawn and even more charming.

Gale is clearly showing that he believes me to be who I portray myself as and I can breathe easy.

"I´m good Kat, still bossing my little minions around and enjoying my life in 13:e. You should come and visit sometime, you would surely love it. It has really sprung out of the ground…" He says and laughs.

Sure, like I would love shooting of an arm_._ I will never set my foot in district 13 again. They were lucky as it was that the majority of the parties was mainly in district one or the former capital or Peeta would never get me to come.

"Sounds like fun. The district finally coming up into the light and spreading their seeds above ground." I say in a mock jester and laugh to take the sting off. After all I can´t be too positive, that would be unlike me. "Must be much ruckus going on, a place where there´s always something to do, someone in need and new discoveries taking place. Sounds like a place for adventure and excitement." I continue in an admiring tone whilst looking into his eyes. Trying to convince him that I see his so called importance and rightful place in the new regime.

"A far cry from boring district 12 and well _here_… After all we are using an 'old place' to have a party in." I finish. Sweeping my hand to direct Gales gaze to the room surrounding us.

As it was this year's party were taking place in former presidents Snows residence and the white walls of the ballroom and the lingering smell of roses is making me nauseous. Together with my current bootlicking I soon will puke for real. I hate this house with every fiber of my being but I have to swallow my disgust and bare it. It's only for a couple of hours anyways and then I'm on my way home again. Far away from the capital, the party, the people, the city, the regime, the pain and Gale.

Biting my tongue I force my smile wider, swallowing my nausea, taking a step closer. I let my perfume surround his senses, knowing that he will get aroused and entranced. I have always had this power over Gale and I am now using it shamelessly to my advantage. I have actually used his desire for me ever since he betrayed me all those years ago because it is the only way to make sure that Gale doesn't look any closer; for me to have control in our dealings with each other.

It had taking a lot of will and a heavy dose of self-preservation to be able to talk normally to Gale again. But it had been one of the conditions to get my freedom: I had to realize that Gale had only wanted what was best for me and that _he was a true friend_. To convince Gale of my contrite and understanding of his action had taken a long time.

I had to pretend to reconcile with him over Prim's death and _rediscovered_ in therapy my former feelings for him, but that it was too late for us since I was committed to Peeta. To this day I still feel enraged over the humiliation I was subjected to.

For a while we small-talk and drink our wine, pretending to be Gale and Katniss from the gutter of district 12 and not two war-torn survivors whose 36 years old. During this time I laugh, joke and behave like were friends. Even though I hate his betrayal I can't hate the man, but during our conversation, as so many others before, a bitter anger is shimmering below the surfaces.

Thus forever tarnishing our friendship.

…

If not for the lessons learned during the Hunger Games I would have crack under the pressure of maintaining my mask. Luckily after a while Gale brings us in on darker subjects, he clearly wants to tell me something specific and I try to subtly lead the conversation to where he wants it, not in the hope for information but to get to the end of the conversation.

"So most of your time has gone towards creating and maintaining usable tools for the surface-building of district 13! Something interested? New pipe-system or new type of drill? After all there must be something good for I have hardly seen Beetee; or heard from you guys in several months…" I inquire with a curious tone and just as I thought he jumps at the chance to tell me about his new project.

"No nothing insignificant like that, that is for the other teams. We have gotten a much more vital and interesting project: we recently built a few new weapon-prototypes and upgraded the army's safety gear. The old standard equipment was outdated… But the most awesome thing we have done is the time-pulsar. It my pride and joy right now." Gale exclaims excitedly. Happy to finally getting to the desired topic. He clearly believes that I will find this project as fascinated as he himself does.

"It´s a handgun that can for a couple of seconds stop or slow down whatever is in front of it. We are hoping that it will work in a bigger form later on, but it has shown great potential in the test runs." Gale starts, getting lost in the success of his new creation and dives into a long and boring description of his new project.

I can only feel sick the more he talks. It´s clear that the time-pulsar is meant to be used to stop moving forces or enemies. To incapacitate them whilst one unarms them. But the question is why would they need new weapons and armor? A time-pulsar? The land is in peace and no-one is in a hurry to start a war. There´s no enemies. Or so I'd thought anyway.

"That´s a good! It will be a good thing to have at parties." I say, laughing a bit nervously and stiff. "Just imagine stopping fruits in the air, or drinks. Can be the perfect party-gadget." I exclaims, hoping to stop Gale from talking more about it. The thought of more war or fighting is bringing back horrible memories. Memories best left in the past to be forgotten.

Gale looks at me with cold eyes; he doesn't appreciate my laughter even though he´s smiling, keeping up the appearance for the other guest. He has always been too proud and stiff, never been able to tolerate someone belittling his control, importance or power.

"Hahahaha! That a good idea!" He tries to say in a cheerfully tone, failing miserable. He soon tries to find another topic to talk about. I don´t come to his aid. "… But moving on. What are you wearing! Wasn't it supposed to be formal wear today?" Gale say says in a teasing voice, bringing attention to my clothes in an attempt to move away from the former topic. I let him.

I look down at myself. I had forgone the formal dress-wear command and was dressed in a high-waist forest-green ankle-length skirt that followed my curves and a long-sleeved sweater with a high collar, decorated with forest-leafs, that ended just under my bosom.

Where Gales and the rest of the party had their hair combed back and tamed, I had forgone the usual braid and had left my hair down and flowing wild. I had decided that if I couldn't speak I could still make silent protest in other ways. I thought that my use of fashion was a good way to go since it honored Cinna and showed that I was not yet tamed.

I gave away a snicker; my hair billowing in front of my face as I move my shoulders in a fake jester of laughter.

"Oh! So that was why Peeta gave me such a strange look before we left home. I didn't remember that. Oh well, at least I'm an original tonight." I said to Gale and gestured at my clothes. He soon joined me in the laughter and the few bystanders we had gathered laugh weakly with us but soon walks on.

I in turn study him. The Gale before me is far from the boy I used to know; in front of me is a tall, built and proud man dressed in an expensive two-piece-suit. The suits long black pants, four button jacket with a left side breast-pocket and midnight-blue shirt brings out his charisma and strength. Every single women and men in the room clearly wanted to be associated with him. Gale had taken to the attention from the start and clearly tried to dress the part.

"Well! You have at least dressed the part. That suit looks amazing on you Gale. Who is your tailor?" I ask in a serious voice. Looking truly interested but not really. He takes a quick look at himself and looks pleased.

"I got to use president Casipors' private tailor since it was such a big event; That man has really starts to become a mentor towards me. By the way, don't you think it's time you get proper help for Haymitch? His drinking will soon kill him you know." Gale looks really worried because earlier today Effie had been, together with Cesar, commenting on all the stars chosen dresses and hairstyles. Whilst many had gotten good reviews, Gale being amongst the best dressed according to Effie, the harshest of the many comments had been directed at Haymitch; who had, drunkenly, stumbled onto the purple carpet dressed in an ugly old suit, seemingly made out of three older ones. The reaction had been instant as Effie had marched down from her screen-room and forcibly dragged Haymitch away to get changed and somewhat sober.

"Yeah! Probably, but Haymitch is not interested in becoming sober so I don't think that will go over well."

Haymitch had already been forced into three rehab programs by me and Peeta. He had escaped from all of them and giving us the cold shoulder for months after.

"By the way; speaking of old men and mentors… Where is Beetee? I have seen the others today but I not him." I inquire when the laughter has died. Gale gives me an odd look and shrugs his shoulders

"He is back at the district; he was too tired to come along and enjoy the evening." He answers evasively. I just nod and take a drink from my half-forgotten glass. Beetee had been in touch with me these past few days, wanting me to come see him at the next get together. Gale is obviously lying and with his eyes flickering to the northern windows my best guess is that Beetee is at the local science lab; playing with his toys. It´s no secret that Gale´s and district 13´s developments and successes is all thanks to the genius hard work and that they hate when he leaves their military facilities.

I have to drop in before I go home. Firstly for Beetees sake and secondly to piss of the current rulers and Gale. I may not be able to speak in public, but I can make a little chaos behind the scene. Peeta hate labs just as much as I but we both adore the crazy scientist so I know he will make an exemption. The question is if it's worth the trouble of taking Haymitch with us, might be a bit too much.

And thinking of… I can see my husband making his way towards our corner. Smiling and chatting as he goes. The smoothness in which he moves through the crowd is amazing, the people part to him almost naturally and without thought.

Everyone that meets Peeta instantly loves him; he has a charisma that only Finnick could beat and he has a way with words that makes anyone agree with him. Luckily my anti-social skills have put a stop to any misuse of his natural skills and so I have speared my husband from the political climate that constantly surrounds us. But he looks more at home in this climate then Gale ever could, without even putting in an effort. For some petty reason this pleases me.

In a cream-white suit, pastel green shirt and dark green shoes he dominates the room, making the people in outrageous dresses inferior to his presence. True warmth fills my gaze. Our first years together had been hard and cold, but Peeta had slowly managed to heal my broken self and given me a wonderful life filled with love and laughter. We still hit rough patches but his undying love and loyalty always got us through.

Gale has not yet seen Peeta´s approach and started up another awkward conversation.

"How long are you in town for anyways? Perhaps you want to join me and have a cup of coffee tomorrow?" He looks hopeful but the last thing I want is to spend more quality time with him. I give him an apologetic look and shrug my shoulders.

"Won´t have the time, the kids are home and I want to get back as soon as possible. But perhaps you can come home to us for dinner sometime." I say, knowing that Gale will never say yes to the invitation. He left district 12 behind him early after the war and only visits to see his family. Who luckily lives as far away from me as possible; In the better areas of district 12.

"Yeah, perhaps. Someday if I'm close by." Gale says hesitantly at the same time taking a step closer and invades my last bit of personal space. He leans in as if to say something more, but it's too late now. Peeta has arrived and easily slips an arm around my waist and gently pulls me into his arms. He is claiming me loud and clear and I decide to let him.

"Hello Gale, nice to see you again. I hope you are well? How is your girlfriend?" Peeta says with a honey-dripping voice and smiles wide at him. I can feel how tense he is, he hates it when Gale is to intimate, especially when he knows how uncomfortable it makes me.

Gale takes a step back, anger entering his eyes and making his body stiff and formal. I had not realized how relaxed he had become with me, which is dangerous. Gale has a way of getting under my skin and for me that is unsafe. If he is relaxed I know it will be the matter of seconds before I myself no matter what I personally feel start to relax. My body and mind is still too used to respond to Gale's body language; even after all this time.

It takes Gale a few seconds before he collects himself and for his smile too re-appear, which buys me the time I need to take control over myself again. This time it is clearly an effort for the both of us to get into characters again. But whilst my smile soon returns to the normal cold aristocratic one Gales smile and the body-poster make him look like a soldier. I hate it; it makes me see my sister dying before my eyes as booms explodes. I can smell the stench of burned flesh and my skin starts to feel too tight.

I can feel my body starting to tremble and I have to take deep breaths to stop the rising panic. Peeta tips my chin up and gives me a soft but firm kiss. An anger fills me were only seconds ago fear was. He knows that I hate public affections and I give him a glare, he only smiles a half-smile back. I realize he has successfully distracted me from a flashback.

I will give him an earful later for that stunt but for now I'm only thankful. If I get a panic-attack here I will be arrested and brought to a shrink where I will be contained for a long time. Again. Someone makes a fake cough; I and Peeta redirect our attention on Gale. He looks irritated, but I can't find it in me to care. Peeta and I may not be married for real, but our relationship is ours. I refuse to apologize or look contrite for loving the man behind me.

"Well Peeta, I´m fine. Enjoying the party and the food." Gale says, getting the conversation started again whilst holding up his purple drink. " I and Therzs broke up a while back but I'm now seeing a new girl and living life to the fullest." Gale continues and takes a sip.

While I remain silent Gale and Peeta starts a contest who can keep up the smalltalk the longest. But it´s not long before I get irritated by it. It´s just polite bullshit and I much rather sneak out of here. I especially want it all to stop when Gale ask about my children's health. I always get a cold feeling whenever Gale or a stranger inquires about them.

Everything that concerns my two treasures is not for the public knowledge and that is what Gale is in my eyes when it come to this. He has no reason to bring my babies into this façade.

"Yes. The kids are fine, they are little grumpy at the moment since they recently had the flu. But they getting better each day and running all over the place much to their mother's annoyance." Peeta answers with a laugh, I complete the picture of an exasperated parent by rolling my eyes and huffing. But I give a clear single to Peeta to get us out of the current theme immediately.

"But unfortunately I and Katniss are heading out, I have grown tired of this party and want to get an early night. Hope you don't mind." He says to Gale, turning us towards the exit and is ready to walk towards it.

Peeta and I work like a well-oiled machine; we now know each other's queues and can in a matter of seconds back the other up without trouble. As I know when he wants me to smile or to frown he knows what I want before I have voice it and for that I'm grateful. Unfortunately Gale doesn't want to let us go quite yet. He grabs my right hand in his and pulls gently.

"Ah! But why don't you head out alone? If you tired that is, Katniss can stay here with me and I can escort her home." He says with authority. I look towards Gale and smile coldly. I force myself to squeeze his hand.

"Peeta is to kind Gale. He is not the tired one, I am. Truth is I only came along to make an appearance and appease the masses. I´m dead on my feet and all I want is to get some sleep."

I try to make myself look tired and worn down. Somehow I manage to convince Gale for he releases my hand and takes a couple of steps back. He puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs his shoulders. He looks like a scolded pupil.

"I only want to spend time with you Katniss; you always too busy, not there or preoccupied. Why can't you stay?" Gale is pleading, but I feel nothing. I don't even grace him with a smile as I start walking towards the door; I only say that perhaps next time we can spend some alone time together, just him and me.

I can feel his eyes following me as I leave but I try to shake it off. I have had more than enough of him for the evening. Peeta wraps his arm around my shoulders and steers us through the crowd and manages to get us out of the ball-room without being stopped.

When we finally are outside the mansion and I breathe in the cold night air. I already feel better and freer. The stars are blinking down at me and I raise my face up towards them. I can feel Peeta's eyes on me and I smile.

"Close your eyes." I whisper. I don't have to open my eyes to know that he has done as I ask. We stand on the white marble-stairs and just enjoy the silent world for a few precious seconds whilst the stars shine down upon us.

Chapter 2

Our car pulls up in front of us and the driver gets out, Peeta beats the driver to the car-door and holds it up for me and mock bows. It's a beautiful car; it's a cristal white scrib car with blue colored leather seats and cold metal panels. While I collect myself Peeta discreetly shoos the driver away with a hand wave.

"Your ride my Queen." He says teasingly. I laugh a real laugh for the first time this evening and feel myself relaxing. As I step into the car I lean over the door and give Peeta a kiss. I can feel the cold metal underneath my hands but don´t care; Peeta´s lips are warm and soft and they steal my breath away. I look into his eyes and give him a warm look before I break the kiss.

"Thank you." I whisper softly before I disappear into the car and sit down on leather seats, colored sky-blue. I thank him for the love that he has for me, the children he gave me and for the loyalty he has shown me. Without him I don't know where I would be today. Probably dead or on my merry way there together with Haymitch.

Peeta soon follows me. As the driver starts the engine I stop Peeta from giving him direction to the hotel. I know he wants to get to the helicopter-platform on the rooftop fast to get to our mini-chopper. Peeta wants to get home as fast as me, but I still want to see Beetee.

"Driver, do you know the way to the Unity Science laboratory? We have a friend there that has invited us for a nightcap." The driver doesn't give a verbal answer, only nods and starts to drive down the lane. It takes me a couple of second before I realize that he is mute, a former Avox and I quiver. I still get nightmares about the Avox-girl and her brother as well as Darius. Even though they both are close friends today and are in fact home babysitting my brats.

"Who are we visiting?" Peeta inquires in a low voice interrupting my thoughts.

"Beetee" I answer in a low voice." It seems he was prevented from attending the party tonight and I just wanted to say hi." Peeta only nods, he won't say anything more, he knows better than to voice his thoughts too loud. We never know whose listening. But I can see that he is eager to see Beetee again, but at the same time nervous. He hates labs even more than me; I hope he will get through this without getting flashback or nightmares from his time imprisoned by the former government.

I hate seeing him in pain.

We don't speak during the ride, we instead sit close together with our hand claps with one and other, trying to just enjoy the others presence.

I hope we can get in; I have never been to this lab, but from what I have seen from the news its structure reminds me of our first training-space during the 74th Hunger Games. The mere thought of us walking similar corridors make me nervous. But that's the only way to get to Beetee and for his sake we will try to bare it.

After about 20 minutes of driving were almost there. The building is even larger than I thought as it seems to tower over the city. Every floor is alight with cold light. For a science lab it´s looks confuses me, there´s no covered wall anywhere; the entire building with its 75 floor is covered in glass, all to give people a sense of openness I presume. How they get any research done I don't know, there doesn't seems to exist any privacy to work.

The car stops, Peeta tells the driver to stay put. We will not be staying long. I get out of the car, into the chilly night-air and look up. On one of this floor is the most genius man ever to have lived tucked away. I get a giddy feeling; I love to crash parties and from what Gale has told me Beetee is working with some fearsome firepower of a whole new caliber. Us coming knocking and snooping is going to make a few people nervous. I want to laugh, it's not often I and Peeta get to be naughty.

Those facts also scares me, because I am still pondering why they would need new weaponry when there is peace. Is district 13 not satisfied? Do they want to start another war? Or is it just Beetee doing what he does best; create and experiment. After all he can't shut down his brain, he has never been able to.

That was why he became so mentally unstable after the war, his brain is constantly repeating the entire event and coming up with different scenarios. Any other man or women would have been driven insane years ago, but Beetee was not insane… more like disconnected from reality and normal social behavior.

Peeta and I don´t talk, he just takes my arm and together we walk towards the entrée. I can see the desk-guard eyeing us carefully and speaking into an earpiece. He does not look happy to see us and by the way he is becoming more and more nervous I get a feeling that no one knows what to do with us. I smile wide as the glass doors opens up for us.

It´s about 5 meter to the front desk and Peeta makes us walk slowly. He wants to make the guard sweat a bit. When we finally reach the silver colored desk we stay silent, waiting for the guard to speak. He eyes us nervously and I can see sweat at the base of his hairline. The guard finally cracks after a minute.

"Good evening, what can I help you with." His voice is dark, but shaky. He is a young guard, probably only worked here for a couple of days and don't know what to do when two of the most famous war-heroes enters his doors.

I speak before Peeta; this guard poses no problem and will respond faster to my coldness then Peeta's. He is a coward and a newbie; he is easily manipulated. It will also take a while before anyone can get in touch with anyone important enough to give them clear orders of what to do with us. And with my cold approach the guard will crumble faster.

"We are here to see Beetee. Take us to him." I say coldly and stern, my noise in the air. Together we give of an air of power and prestige. I try to make him see the girl on fire persona as well as a seasoned warrior. A powerhouse to be obeyed.

"I.. well.. you se. I.. well.. can´t." The guard stutters. I roll my eyes and give the guard an even colder look.

"Silence." I demand with a dark and ice-cold voice. The guard almost jumps where he stands. "You will take us to Beetee, and you will do so without speaking or delaying. He is expecting us and I will not have you dallying around like a chicken." I say harshly, feeling Peeta taking on a similar harsh persona as myself, where's before we were more cold.

We now present a united front of mercilessly killers who don't look kindly at being denied. The guard crumbles like a deck of cards. He just nods and with nervous gestures takes out a disk and starts walking down the long corridor that was to the left of the metal desk.

We walk for a long time when we finally come to stop in front of three elevators. The Guard nervously presses the button on the middle one and waits. I give away a huff of impatience and the guard pushes the button again. The doors upon and the three of us steps in. The elevator is decorated in black glass and is playing a soft musical tone. I pretend not to take notice but I can see that the guard does something to the panel by the door. I soon realize as the elevator starts moving that it´s moving down instead of up. The guard must have inserted a card or a code that takes us to an underground lab.

I shouldn't be surprise, but I am. Who builds a lab below the ground when they have 75 floors above them? But I don´t speak, not as long as the guard is with us. Any form of curiosity would seem like weakness and we would quickly lose the higher ground if I let my curiosity get away with us.

I don't have to worry that Peeta will speak; he knows we will get faster to Beetee if we are silent and intimidating and unlike me he has a better control over his nature. I allow a smirk to grace my lips, knowingly that the guard gets even more nervous since the black glass deforms my face, making my look like a dangerous mutt.

After stepping out of the elevator on the -13th floor we move down countless metal doors and white corridors. All the white that has surrounded me all night is getting on my nerves, isn't there any other color in the new capital? I almost wish for the colorful buildings and squares from the old capital. The only thing really remaining of the old city is the people's outrageous hairstyles and costumes; while the buildings have all be remodel into boring cold, functional, living spaces. It is all in a boring and cold white/metal color.

I´m so happy that I let Peeta re-decorate our own two-story house in his own taste; the soft blue walls, black roof and window-frames always give me peace every time I have to bare the capital. For that I even had allowed him to decorate the inside because of the outsides relaxing effect on me. Unfortunately he took the help of Effie and our old stylist-team so some things in our house are outrageously modern and weird. Homey and oddly fitting, but weird.

The guard brings me back from my musings when he stops in the end of another long and white corridor. He glances over his left shoulder, he is still nervous and he hopes that we will have changed our minds.

I allow Peeta to be the disapproving authority this time, a united front is always important when dealing with the new capital employees; he gives the guard a stern look and waits for him to open up. The guard sighs and lifts another disk, this one red and cowered in black letters, he runs it through the slot placed on the left side of the door we stand before.

The doors open and without even glancing at the guard I and Peeta enter and then presses the button on the inside, thus closing it in the guards face.

When we know we are alone we finally take a few seconds to look around. Letting our curiosity out to play. Where´s before only metal doors and white walls have surrounded us we are now standing in a big open space with a high roof, with an industrial feeling to the place. The walls and floor is mostly hidden behind or underneath rows upon rows of shelves, gadgets and trinkets. I can see how this would be a safehaven for someone like Beetee. Everything electronical or mechanical seems to be stored in here.

Peeta take a couple of step in and we can hear his footsteps echoing of the walls. I'm almost too scared to move, I don't know what any of this things do. The wrong move or touch might kill us before we know what's happened. But after some time of just standing still and observing I start to hear soft mummeries and the sound of metal against metal. Peeta has also heard it and together we start to move in that direction, careful where we step.

After a very careful walk we finally pass a couple of racks, littered by some sort of water-containing bag packs, and walk into an open area where Beetee is sitting in the middle. The genius is sitting in the middle of a round table and is twinkling with some sort of hand-device. He is covered in grease and oil and has a face-plate covering his face. No one else is around. Peeta is the first one to speak, trying to get the man's attention. "Beetee?"

The genius doesn't answer, but that´s hardly surprising. Whenever he has something new going on he gets tunnel vision and forgets everything else. After several attempts from Peeta I finally had enough and take a cup of forgotten coffee from the table and throw it at Beetees back. His un-manly scream echoes in the room. He swirls around; troves off his head gear and glare at us. It takes a few seconds recognition springs to his face. I can't stop my laughter at the affronted glare that follows and the man's mumbling about: "Haymitch … right… cruel women." I´m soon joined by Peeta.

"Harh, harh. It is understandable that people of few brain cells would find such primitive action rewarding." Beetees states with a gruff voice, he´s pissed off but I can see that he is also surprised and glad to see us. "I would be more welcoming if you would, in the future, sustain from such means of entertainment and rude gestures." He raises his eyebrows and strips himself of his wet sweeter.

I only shake my head and cuff Peeta on his right arm. We straighten up and get more serious.

"Hi Beetee. How are you?" Peeta asks.

"I´m well, my body is experiencing a stiffness but then I have been sitting here in about…" Beetee pushes around things on the table, looking for a clock. He soon finds a rusty old wristwatch and holds it up close to his face and as usual lifts his glasses since he is far sighted. "… Twelve hours; stands to reason that I missed the party?!"

"You did, but it was a boring one so you didn´t miss anything." I say and take the clock from him and place it back on the table. "… Except for Gale bragging about a time slowing device. I got to say I´m a bit curious, what exactly do you want a time stopper for Beetee?" I ask with a hidden tone of disapproval in my voice, but Beetee notice it as always. He, Peeta and Haymitch has always been good at noticing my different tones and modes, which makes it hard to hide anything from them. Even though they only seem to be able to get my surface mode, they never seem to sense how far down my different feelings goes since I can be so cold and distant in my ways.

"Ah! that one. It´s merely a prototype which Mr. Hawthorne very well knows and shouldn't be speaking to you about." Beetee says irritated, not towards Peeta and I but towards Gales thoughtlessness. I get the sudden urge to defend Gale, I know how hard it is to hide what one is pride about, the urge can sometime be too much to bear. For example I can remember the first time I managed the garden around our house, the pride I felt for every finished work and plant that grew made me boast to Peeta at any given second.

I still don't understand how he bore me during that period of my life as I discovered my green thumbs and life-calling. Especially when I discovered the joy of flowers, I still can't to this day stand classic roses in any form but my experiments with the Primrose and Katniss has resulted in three new flower plants, two which are named after my children; Primriss and Crissrose: Rose and Riss for short.

"Everyone wants' to show what they can do; old men as well as young. I can for example remember someone's joy in creating the hovering baby-crib; which someone build for his goddaughter." I say with a soft smile, willing Beetee to remember the event of so many years ago when he first showed me, Peeta and Haymitch his new creation. The name for it still makes me laugh; the bird-napper.

"Ah! So it is, well-spoken young lady." states Beetee. A small smirk gracing his face and then he gets serious again.

"B´ I haven't been young for a long time, stop it." I respond. He know that I hate being called young, ever since my father died I have felt like an old soul. Young is not a word I would ever use to describe myself.

"I don't know Katniss, to me you look young as a daisy." Peeta says and kisses me on the cheek. This topic leads into a long conversation between the three of us about nothing and everything and I soon forget what it was we were talking about. It wasn't until much later when Beetee said something about time that I remembered what I had asked. I give Peeta and Beetee an evil look and I give Peeta a friendly push which nooks him into the oval-shaped table.

"Ouch!" He exclaims. I roll my eyes at his gracefulness.

"Gah! You two are hopeless, someone here is trying to snoop out some information, can you please stop leading me astray. Every time I ask a serious question you two always do this, sometimes I wonder who's married to whom!" I say snappishly and cross my arms and level a `mother` glare at them. I can even get Riss to obey when I use that stare. Peeta grovels as expected but Beetee just shrug his shoulders and scuff. Not moved the least.

But before Beetee gets to talk about his invention we suddenly hear loud and upset voices coming from the racks. It seems that the guards finally found some higher-ups and that the cavalry is here. But as people start to get visible amongst the different shelves a get a rock in my stomach because amongst the new arrivals is Gale and he doesn't look to happy.

When Gale and the others finally have spotted us they split up in teams and start to surround the round work table; Gale seemingly in command of the unit.

"KATNISS WHAT THE…" Gale bellows, his grey is burning into mine. I just shrug and give a wave.

"Oh! Gale hi, look I found Beetee. Isn't that wonderful!" I say in an acid-dripping voice and give him a smile full of teeth's.

I can see that Gale flinches at that but he's not slowing down. He is aggressively moving towards us, clearly spooked and pissed off. He is red in the face and his suit looks crinkled. He must have rushed over here in quite the temper. I wonder who is going to take it out on; me or the poor boys?

"… You're not allowed down here." Gale grits out through clenched teeth, coming to a stop before the round tables opening. "This is a closed of area and a secret part of the building. Nobody is supposed to be down here except employees. So why my dear Katniss does it come that I get a call _**that you are here**_?!" He finishes of in a shout. Taking an angry step towards me as Peeta steps in front of me and clearly singles to the Gale to back off.

Gale ignores it and gets right up in Peeta's face, challenging him. The two men's aggressive behavior and cold stares soon morphs into an outright fight; Peeta forgoing a diplomatic solution when Gale reaches around him to grab my arm. Clearly choosing me to vent his anger on. He throws the first punch, sending gale stumbling into the table.

This sets off a chain reaction which happens in seconds but seem like an eternity. I don't even have time to register that I have started to panic, seeing where the entire situation was going.

As Gale moves forward to punch back and Peeta moves to intercept; Beetee shouts out since I take a step back and hit the table behind me hard, knocking about the stuff on top which spooks the accompanied guards.

Gale and Peeta are to focuses on each other to see Beetee desperately reaching after the device he was tinkering with as the men behind him raises their weapons. I on the other hand see everything and are helpless to stop it.

The guards are clearly spooked from the sudden fighting and shouting going on and react like typical soldiers; shoot first react rational later. I can see them raising their weapons and aim it at us; they will squeeze their trigger if any of us make another sound.

I throw myself to the side trying to push Beetee down as the same time throwing out my left arm trying to knock Gale and Peeta of balance so they too will fall. Suddenly several guns goes off because Gale and Peeta decides to start roaring at each other as they are knocked off balance.

I see one of the guards shoots hit a blue glowing orb to my right do to its erratic movements on the table, at the same time something clicks to my left and from the corner if my eyes I realize it's the device Beetee concerned about. In all the commotion I have unexpectedly grabbed it from the air with my leaf hand and accidently pressed its button.

I'm suddenly in the middle of two glowing beams that shoots out of the devices. I only have time to think *Oh shit* before I am overcome with a pain of which the likes I have never experienced before.

I can literally feel how the skin on my body melts away and my muscles burn up. I can't even draw a breath to scream or the energy to think for I have fire inside my body and my brain is boiling.

All there is in my life is pain and nothing _but_ pain.

The last I see before my eyes are destroyed and I cease to exist is lightning of every color of the universe and more flashing around me and a sudden bright flash and then darkness.

I am dead…

Chapter 3

The first thing I'm aware of is that my entire body is in pain and that is seems to be too small for me. The second is that I'm laying on something hard and cold but yet soft, it reminds me of my old bed in our old house; the one I, Prim and mom had before the 74th Hunger Games. I try to open my eyes but it's too much of a bother.

I remain in the position I woke up in with my eyes closed and just try to breathe and think. I don't really understand what is going on, the last I can remember is an excruciating pain in my entire body and thoughts of death; am I dead? Is this the afterlife? Is Prim here? Or am I alive? The pain leans to the letter, I have a hard time believing that dead people should feel any pain and why would I, as a dead person, even have a thought or a conscience.

It's slow in coming but after a while I start to become aware of my surrounding. I can hear a goat walking around and bleat on the other side of a wall, tied down to something since it is not moving away. I can feel that I am undressed for the cold air is settling like a blanket over my bare arms and legs.

A cat is meowing and moving about in the space I am in. Not in distress but more to annoy the souls nearby, almost like Buttercup used to do when he knew I was tired; I still hate that cat.

I can smell coal in the air that is distinct for district 12, so wherever I am it is close to home. Next I believe myself to smell my mom's herbs and soap as well as Prim´s; the mere smell of my sister brings tears to my eyes and I am almost start to hyperventilating.

To this day I still can't stand any memories of my beloved sister, the sister I failed and led to her death. No matter what tools the shrinks gave me they never worked on that, my guilt is too great and my loss even greater. Prim was more than a sister, she was a compass and a daughter to me. I let the world take her away and for that there is no cure or forgiveness, just survival and guilt.

Her smell suddenly take over my senses, I can almost imagine that she is here, near me; Safe and sound.

I try to ignore it and instead turn my focus inwards, something big happened before everything was colored in pain. That much I can remember; something vital occurred and for the life of me I can't remember what.

Not until a soft winds blows into the room and takes with it smell of the morning dew, wet coal and the smell of Primroses. The smell of the flowers is like a quick start of an engine. Suddenly a waste mass of memories and information returns. How I and Peeta went to the party, my thoughts about my home and family and then the meeting with Beetee. The explosion and how the event leading to it is the cause of my current pain.

Something went horribly wrong in that room, something that caused my body such pain that I now can only remember a small part of it.

I shiver at the thought, and I feel how the pain intensifies for a seconds as the shiver travels through my body. I also notice that the pain disappears quickly. I realize that it is phantom pain I have and not a real one. I'm not really injured I just believe that I am; which means I can move my body; I just have to convince my head that the pain is false.

The thought of how my body can have lived through such pain and torture without any real damage don´t stand thinking about, the imagined one is excruciating as it is. I have lived through a lot though and I can make myself bare this. I want to get out of here, I can still sense Prim in the air and need to get away, and no pain will stop me.

I force my eyes open and the first thing I see is a grey wall. The next is the ugliest yellow cat ever born sitting on the floor staring at me. My entire world narrows down to that cat, what he implies by his mere existence. A clump forms in my stomach and I feel acid building up in the back of my throat. I can feel panic growing inside me. But I bit it back and narrow my eyes, disbelief filling me, and start to scrutinize the cat more closely. It must be another cat then the one I first believe it be.

But the more I look the more I notice to my horror the similarity; the cat is missing half an ear, he has a pushed in pug-nose, two ugly green eyes and puke-yellow fur. I refuse to admit it but the cat before me can be no other than Buttercup. But he has been dead for over 10 years. He had died an old cat doing what he loves the most, shredding all my dresses in my closet and chewing on my hunting boots.

All the same he is sitting before me, staring at me with hate in his eyes; a hate so normal for us that I feel myself responding with equal hate out of habit.

Suddenly I hear movement above my head, my head snaps in that direction and the most painful and jet wonderful image fills my sight. Though a small door just a few feet away from me I can see a child's face, framed by soft baby blond hair. The child is curled into a ball and spooning with a woman in her late thirties in a dirty bed, underneath a thin blue colored blanket.

My heart stops and I can't breathe. Everything is spinning and I desperately want the world to stop. This can't be happening, this is not real. Is the only thought that plays in my mind. My heart is cramping and screaming in pain. My breaths are coming in short gasps. I forget about my earlier pain as my entire world narrows down to the girls´ face.

I count every breath she takes; I see every movement that her closed eyes make; I drink in every freckle that litters her face. For the longest time my world is just her face and nothing else. I soon need to get closer, I'm like a junkie that needs a fix and all I suddenly can think of is: hug her, shake her and make sure that she is there; that she is **alive**.

I force myself up on unsteady legs that feels stiff and cramped and also shorter than they should, but I don't care.

I take a clumsy step towards the child and stumble. I almost fall. The contact brakes by the stumble and the spell is broken. The only thing I see now is a grey floor and I can't bring myself to raise my gaze again; to confirm my earlier sight and allow hope to grow, or worse for hope to be destroyed. I turn slowly, turning my back on the angelic face; to that beautiful but so very painful vision.

I instead focus my stare on the room I'm standing in. I'm screaming inside but not a sound leaves my lips. Tears are burning in my eyes but I'm not certain that I am actually crying. I am standing in my room, in my old home. I have awakened in my childhood and it´s all too much, too much. It can't be real, it must be a trick, a torture device, a hell.

Surrounding me is the smallest room in existence. I am standing in a metal plate room that is rectangular and at most 2 meter long and 3 meter wide and oh so very familiar. I hardly have any room to move in but then we never had much room in this home to do anything.

The only thing in the room is two small shelves, a couple of hooks and a thin bed; the shelves to hold schoolbooks and the hooks the little cloths the occupants possessed. Prim never had a bed of her own; she always slipped into mine or mums, so there is only one bed, one pillow and one blanket. I can feel a pained whine breaking out of my throat; so many happy and painful memories exist in this room.

I need to get out, to get away. The room is too small, I can´t breathe in here. I need space to breathe and think. I feel so weak, so scared and so helpless, nothing about this is right. This is a nightmare… A horrible and dreadful nightmare. I turn and sit down on the bed. I desperately look around for a pair of shoes only to find them where I always used to place them; at the head of the bed. The next thing I search for is a pair of pants and a sweater; finding both hidden underneath the thin pillow at the head of the bed; to keep them warm and away from the rodents.

I refuse to raise my face as I get dressed, too afraid of what more I would see. I´m working on auto-pilot and my hands are shaking. I struggle with the white-grey sweater for a minute but finally get it on. The green pants unfold easier but I hesitate in trying them on, they look to small. It is then I take a look at myself, I never got a chance before; the current situation taking priority. It takes a few seconds before I realize what I see and almost scream in despair. I close my eyes hard and start to force air through my nose. I will not think… not until I have gotten out of here. When I am out and away then I can break down, but not now and not here.

I get dressed in silence, trying not to wake the occupants in the other room. When I have the last boot on I try to get up again. I´m feeling dizzy, disoriented and have a massive headache. But otherwise I am a bit better physically than when I woke, the imagined pain my body was in is almost gone; instead replaced with the emotionally and mentally pain I get from the current situation. I take a couple of stumbling steps towards the door and manage to get out to the small corridor we have without fainting and enter the kitchen.

Not once do I look up, I just follow the floor below me and tries to get to the door as fast as I can manage without falling apart. But as I open the door I can hear a female voice coming from behind me.

"Katniss?" It's her; she has woken up and as always she is looking for me. I can hear here start moving around, clearly beginning her morning rituals when she discover the bed empty. I can't face her, not now, not EVER. I forget to move careful; instead I slam the door open and start running as fast as I can make myself.

"Katniss, was that you?" is the last thing I hear before I manage to round a house corner and loose myself in the labyrinth that is the Seam. I'm not stopping, desperately looking for a safe place to break down; to get somewhere calm where I can think.

…

Wherever I turn everything is as it used to be instead of a burned down area. There are the old houses I used to play between when my father lived and hide behind when peacekeeper came to the Seam. The coalminers dirty shacks and worn down houses is pushed together, hardly leaving any free space for walking. I´m´ looking where I'm going, but I suddenly come to a dead stop.

In front of me a mass of dark figures moving slowly between the houses surrounding us. It's the coal miners, coming back from their night-shift. I stare at them, at the man and women with dirty faces and dead eyes moving in a slow pace down the paths open for them. Some disappears into houses, others into dark alleyways and out of sight. They are close and I can feel the stench of their sweat mix in with coal. It nauseates me. After the war the miners had demanded better living arrangements, work hours, tools and cleaning supplies and even though the smell of coal could never be diminished the miners could go home clean and safe.

The sight before me is a horrifying one; it´s like all the joy and hope has died for this people. Not one of the faces moving towards me has a spark of hope or a fire in them. They are more or less dead and world very. Like mom used to be, like Gale´s parents used to be.

I realize as the first men move past me that I am standing at the end of the Seam, close to the middle class district, far away from a safe place to think. I have missed the coalmine district, the hob as well as the meadow.

If I had kept on running I would have entered peacekeeper territory and the square. Whether or not this is real I am, for all that I know, back in the old district 12 as it were before the bombing and fire. Peacekeepers are not my friends and gaining their attention has never been good for anyone.

I turn slowly, glade for the adrenalin and ace in my body. The run has managed to distract me and I want to keep myself distracted until I get away. The only place I can think of that could give me sanctuary is the forest. It´s a long way there, but at least I know nobody will be around.

A sudden strong wind hits my back and my loose hair whips around my face. The smell of fresh baked bread comes with it. I freeze. My eyes are wide open, so open that I can feel the tearing up from being subjected to the air. "Peeta." I whisper and as another strong wind hits me breathe in deep. I can´t stop what happens next.

My entire body convulses and I have to throw myself toward the nearest wall to maintain standing. I'm puking and sweating and I realize that I'm having a panic attack.

Nobody around me cares; they have seen it all before and keep on walking.

I can't stop myself from having, not even when there´s nothing left to throw up. I feel dead on my feet and want it all to stop. My mouth is dry and taste of death. My body is weak and shaking. I have no clue what's going on and that scares me the most.

Long after the streets are empty again I finally have enough strength to move. On shaky legs I start to orient my way amongst the dark houses toward the meadow; trying to ignore my weakened state. I pass the cluster of houses, then the hob and then the mining factory.

All without running into any more people; which I am grateful for. It takes me long as it is to get there without running into someone to.

Every time I have walked ten steps I need a short rest to keep myself from fainting, being found weak and vulnerable is too dangerous. As it is, when I finally have left the buildings behind me and a dry bare ground surrounds around me, I have to get down on all four and crawl the last hundred or so feet up the hill to get to the fence.

It´s not the usual place, where I'm used to enter, and it takes me a while to find an opening big enough to get through. It feels weird to have a fence surrounding 12 again, even though the wild life scares many of the miners nobody wanted the fence to remain after the war; too many horrid memories of fear, oppression and death.

As soon as I´m through I lay flat on my back, not caring for the bugs or the dirt that's underneath me, and stare up into the sky. When I gained conscious this morning the clock must have been around 4 or 5; for now it was late morning and it had taken a lot of time moving about and getting here, I estimate it to at least being 9 or 10 o'clock now.

As I lay there in the grass resting the sun floats high in the sky above me. The warmth from the sun soon lulls me into an exhausted sleep and I let darkness claim my mind.

…

When I next wake its early afternoon and my body feels better than before. I slowly move my joints and test my strength. The panic attack I had has run its course and even though I feel exhausted I am confident that I can walk. I am not yet safe enough to start thinking and dealing with all the information, so for now I´m on auto-pilot and survival mode.

As I get my bearings I feel grateful that the meadow is such an open and flat area. I can easily spot familiar three lines and landmarks at the end of the meadow and know where my bow and arrow are likely to be. I never really changed hiding spot after returning to 12 and starting a life with Peeta. The forest and the hunt has always been my refuge and it had felt wrong taking the bow out of it.

As soon as I'm close enough to the tree lines I start to move more confident. My body is a bit dehydrated and hungry since I puke this morning but I ignore it. I know where there is water and since it seems to be late summer there must be some berries and mushrooms in the forest.

Thanks to my father I know where the best places for both kinds are.

I know that I not in a risk of being spotted by a hover-craft or a cam-halo since I´m not far enough out of the district. After the war many questions about the capitals spy network, about their ability to observe, find and monitor everyone at any given moment had floated around.

The answer that the rebels could give was that as long as you hadn't said any of the chosen key-words or was register hostile/missing and not moved to far from your districts borderlines the capitol really hadn't paid any attention to you at all. The only exception being the time of the yearly reaping in the districts, then scrutiny of the various districts always where more severe than.

I finally get to my hiding place and just as I thought my bow and arrow are hidden within the hollow log, swept in piece of fabric. I take them out and put the arrows on my back as well as the bow. I feel more secure and confident now when I have their weight on me.

Soon the forest has swallowed me and I can finally breathe again. The fresh forest air fills my lungs and calms me in a way nothing else ever could. I soon notice life around me; birds are singing in the trees, squirrels and mouse are running around looking for food. A snake is sunbathing on a rock and one or two deer's are calmly eating grass.

The green and brown color of the wild surrounds me. I feel at home here, secure in my abilities as a hunter and a survivor. I feel empowered.

Soon I come to a water stream and after drinking some cold water and washing my face I almost feel human again. Some blueberries are growing on a hill close by and a sit down to feast on the delicacies, my stomach growling in hunger. When I´m just starting to feel safe enough to work through the chaos I found myself in I hear a branch snap in the forest and a person swearing. I pale, my heart start beating fast and I start sweating again.

There someone in here with me, but who? I quickly look for a place to hide, but nothing looks safe. Then I see a small hole in-between boulders a few meter to my right, next to the water draft. It will be a close fit and I need to lose the bow and arrow. I quickly dig into the soft ground underneath me, lifting the moss and plants and hide my bow. It looks weird but if the person doesn't know what to look for it will work. The arrows are a bigger problem but a small heap of nearby rocks should hide them well enough.

I can hear the person getting closer, the steps seeming moving in my direction. Was I seen? I ran the last few steps to the boulders and force my body in between the gap. I soon find myself in an awkward position, but hidden from sight. My arms are pressed to my body and my feet bent and pressed to my body as well. Leaving my green pants as the only noticeable thing. I wish now I had taken that brown jacket from one of the hooks, but hopefully not a spot of the grayish sweater is visible.

It only takes a few minutes before the positions uncomfortable nature starts to hound me. My legs are cramping, my back is aching and I can feel the rough edges of the rocks biting into my skin. I can hardly breathe I´m so curled up, but as the footsteps gets closer I'm just thankful for what I got.

"Katniss." A gentle voice says laud. I recognize it and almost swear out loud. Of course it is him. First Prim, then the miners and Peeta. Why not him, for who cares that a lady might need a breather. Oh no, let's throw in Gale to the mix. I can feel panic as well as a deep hot anger growing inside me. I almost reveal myself just so that I can attack him; went my anger onto the man out there. But I don´t.

For soon a shadow moves over my hole and I can gleam the person standing a few feet away from me. It´s not a man, it´s a boy. A teenage boy, not older than 15, that is thin and dirty and looking around nervously for his friend. Gale young appearance makes everything finally hit home and tears starts falling down my cheeks.

Where´s before I had almost convinced myself to this being a test or a simulation or even a well thought out torture session there is no way that a young Gale would be used in either cases.

If it was an experiment they would have used facts and knowledge obtained by others to make it more real and painful, but since Gale and my relationship is best known from a romantic and more mature point of view amongst our loved ones he wouldn't have been portrayed this young in this scenario.

In short, if this young version of Gale is here then it makes the whole thing must be real and believable. For I would never have thought of him this way. Not in a million years, not since the bombs killed Prim. This forest is my safe haven and Gale no longer has a place in it. Not even a young and innocent Gale.

But if it's all real then of course Gale would be here, the forest was as much his hiding place as mine back then... here.. now?! And of course he would follow me and look for me in the forest, we almost always hunted together. I can remember our days before my reaping, how I thought him grown and big, almost like an adult.

Gale has always been tall and for the kids in district 12 he was amongst the strongest and healthiest of the boys, even though his family was as poor as mine. Mom used to joke that he had sucked all of the health out of his mother since his younger sibling was all shorter and sick looking.

But now I have to disagree, the boy in front of me is not that Gale, not the tall and mature looking man I meet only hours ago or the boy I remember. He looks so thin and weak.

His dark hair is so lifeless; his skin pale beneath the filth and his face is so hollowed out because of prolonged starvation and food shortage. I know that if I had a mirror I would look the same; thin, pale and sickly. I am thankful for the fact there was no mirror in the room this morning. Seeing myself as I where all those years before would have driven me insane.

I hardly notices when Gale walks away, looking out for me amongst the trees and softly calling for me. I don´t notice that I am alone for the longest time, not until I have lost a feeling in my body and my tears run out. Then first I began to move, to try getting out of the hole I´m in.

When I'm finally out I collect my bow and arrows and move deeper into the forest. The day is soon over, long shadows starts to swallow up the forest floor. I don't care, I let my feet take me where they want to go. Everything that´s happened today being too much to process.

After walking for a while I find myself on a hidden path which I realize will lead me to the lake cabin my father had showed me all those years ago when he wanted to teach me how to swim.

I quicken my steps, knowing that at last I will be alone and safe. After a while I finally see the shadow of the house and I start to jog. Soon after I´m running and I don´t stop until my left hand touches the wall of the small abandoned cabin.

The minute I enter the rundown building I start screaming and I don´t stop. I scream, rage, hit at and throw everything in sight. I keep doing this until my hands are bleeding, my voice is hoarse and my anger has subsided. It feels like storm has finally been let out after being contained to long. It's not long before I have nothing left to give. I can't even bring up the energy to cry.

The only thing left is to think, analyze and coop. The first thing I have to deal with is the fact that I seem to have wakened up in the past. That itself should be an impossibility; it goes against the very law of nature, space and time. But then again this is Beetee were dealing with ad well as a power hungry district 13.

If they thought themselves capable they would do it, after all Gale had talked about a new invention that stops time. So why not build something that throws people _back_ in time.

I´m in the past, with everyone I love de-aged and alive, but again oppressed by the capitol. All those lives and sacrifices for naught, the war has yet not happened by the looks of things and so misery and death is the only future now.

Prim and district 12 may be alive, but their future is grim. For what life is there to have when your every waking moment is focused on surviving and not dying.

After quite a lot of disbelieving theories the only logical scenario I can think of is one. Whatever thing it was that Beetee was reaching for when it happen most have been the cause; that the clash of beams between his machine and the other device somehow had defied reality and forced me into the past.

I must have gotten in between two prototypes of yet unknown abilities and since thinking about the past ending up in it. But why weren't I older than? I am after all 36 years old. I have no place in a child's body, even if it is mine.

Could it be that the pain I remember experiencing really happened? That whilst I woke up after thinking that I had died my body was still destroyed? I can remember feeling my skin melt and my body burning, maybe that really happened. But then why AM I HERE? Shouldn't I be dead in the future, where Beetee, Gale and Peeta were?

Gah! It´s all so confusing and daunting. Why me of all people, I can't deal with this type of shit. I'm a hunter and not a scientist; there had been over 15 people in that room, why the hell was I the one waking up here.

I'm not supposed to be here. I´m supposed to be home with my family, tending to my garden and hunting in the forest.

Oh no! My kids… no, no, no, NO. If.. if I´m here and this really is happening then that means my kids, my Crissrose and Primriss, hasn't been born yet. My heart feels like its breaking and I give out an animalistic shout, feeling how my throats starts bleeding from it. They took away my babies. If I ever see Beetee and Gale again I will _kill _them.

It's the last thought I have before my brain shuts down. My mental stability shut to hell and the young body I´m now in unable to handle the strain. After everything today I would be surprise if I woke up sane.

Chapter 4

I wake up by a bird picking on my fingers. I let it, not really caring about something so trivial. I am laying on the floor in the run-down cabin and just allow the air around me calm me as I think.

The trashed cabin, with its broken window, small pantry and bare floors is alight in the early morning light. There is hardly anything in here except for me and the bird. An old abandoned cabin that has decayed under the weight of time and nature.

This house is not so unlike me. It is stuck in a time where it seen much of everything and knows what's coming. It's almost poetic in a way; that the house, just as empty as me, is still standing and fighting. Fighting to live and to once again find a place in the world.

Yesterday I panicked and allowed the situation to get the better of me. The first thing you learn in the Hunger Games is that if you give in to stress, fear and despair you will crumble and die.

I will not crumble and I will not die.

I have lived through too much and sacrificed so much to earn myself a life; I will not let this be the thing that breaks me.

I snap my fingers in the birds face and it flies away in fright. I get up and brush dust and dirt from my cloths, taking stock that both my pants and sweater has several scrape-holes and grass-spots. I need to look over any injuries I might have gain in my mad dash around the forest.

Yesterday I lost myself in all the panic. I allowed the situation to get to me and ran around like a crazed dog. It's no wonder that I feel so exhausted and thirsty, my entire body feels like a log and cracks as I stretch it. I make my way down to the lake and wade into the water without caring for my clothes and boots. The water is ice-cold and I have to bite my tongue to prevent a scream from breaking out.

After drinking greedily from the water and washing my face I look around. There is nothing here except for me and the forest. I can see some birds amongst the three-crowns, but the majority seems to still be sleeping for hardly any birdsong is heard.

I can feel the cold water seeping into my clothes and caress my skin. I get goosebumps from it and I laugh at the silliness. I can't help the half-hysteric laughter that breaks out and breaks the calm over the lake. My life as I know it is over and here I am in my own familiar forest getting shills.

I feel so lost right now but the only thing that I can do is deal and move on. If there was something that I got from yesterday's madness is that allowing shock and panic to get the overhand will lead to nothing.

I have lived through horrible situations where everything and everyone around me wanted to destroy me. Getting stuck in the past, while horrible, is not the worst thing that could happen to a person. Or so I try convince myself.

During my exhausted sleep I had a lot of old nightmares; dreams that reminded me of how much I can take; how strong I can be when the odds are against me. So that is what I'm going to do, deal and survive for I am not that kind of person that just gives up.

I am Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire and the symbol of deliberation and survival. I don´t break that easily.

…

After making up a small fire inside the cabin and away from any prying eyes I take of my cloths and hand them on the rotting door to dry.

Before getting out of the lake I hadn´t been able to resist diving into the cold water, knowing that the coldness would shock my sense awake, thus leaving me dripping wet. The only thing still dry is my bow and arrow which I had thrown into a corner in my anger yesterday.

Thankfully there was no damage done to them and I could shoot a passing bird for breakfast. It won´t give much food but it will sustain me until I can think out a plan of action.

Naked and cold I settle in front of the fire and start plucking the dead crow. I soon have it skewed on a pike and roasting.

My first plan of action is to calmly decide how I want to proceed; should I go about my day as naturally as possible, just be a kid from 12 that´s trying to survive and are afraid of the capitals shadow. Or should I try to manipulate thing and make a voice for myself: that would be tempting but would probably lead to a quick death.

Even when the survivors in my district hide themselves in district 13 it seemed like president Snow could reach them. Many during that time were too scared of the outcome of the war that they attacked anyone that dared speak their mind too much. People like me and Gale was seen as heroes but also as rebels, instigators and causers; we were admired but also pushed out of the community.

So while the first will be an easier route to take, for it´s not a very proactive one, the only thing it would give me is the room to have a pity-party and feel sorry for myself. But going by the other option would mean that worse thing could happen and that I have absolutely no control of my environment. The first option whilst the coward one, will improve my survival chances in the long run.

I know what is going to happen and what my future can be like which improves my survival chances greatly. As I contemplate which one I rather prefer I turn the crow to prevent it from burning. In the process getting a look at my hand and it once again hit me how young it is.

I was too busy yesterday with everything else that I didn't get a good look at myself. I seem to be stuck in a younger me that has two skinny long legs, two pale arms, each with five fingers, and a slim body belonging to a young adult. I would estimate my age to about 13-15, which means either it my reaping year or it might be two whole years to go.

It's hard to tell when most of your life has been plagued by starvation and food shortage. Most of the kids in the Seam will always have a look of starvation and slimness do to our inability to build proper muscle structure, so I can´t be certain of my age.

But it does give me a clearer decision route; I am too young and too weak to inspire an uprising, I´m also not a symbol at this time. I have no power to that I can use. Any action I take will come back and haunt me later and get people killed. But my weak looking state and child-status gives me a possibility to move freely in my environment. A fact which as a hunter I really like.

The crow hardly taste anything as I eat it, I´m too busy thinking about everything. I have the foreknowledge about the time line and know better how to play the game of survival and have I once managed to be the spark for a revolt, I can be it again. If I want to be.

I have always craved control, it's the only thing there is a shortage of in this world: pain and madness exist in abundance, but control is a rarity. And with the knowledge that I have gained from the other districts after the war I have a greater chance at collecting food and thus improving my daily life.

I happily think back to my many visits to the other districts, the wonderful people I meet and places I saw. Rues mother being one of my finest memories. She had found me after the war and demanded that I came and spend time with the family. Rues siblings was so alike her that it had been excruciating painful to be around them in the beginning, but like Rue they got under my skin and soon I loved them like I had loved her.

They showed me district 11 and introduced me to their local food and customs, something that before had never been possible since the capitol forbid any contact between the districts. The only time any other information was giving about the districts had been during the Hunger Games.

The many memories of my time in 11 brings tears in my eyes, the kindness that exist in that district doesn't exist in another. There everyone shares what they have and looks out for each other. In 12 that's a rarity for here you priority your own life above others. That or you starve.

I have finished the crow and am now just sitting in front of the fire, absorbing the projected heat and think about my many travels. After Rues family it was Annie's turn to hunt me down, she wanted me to get to know Finnick´s son and since I was responsible for her husband's death refusal was impossible. The water district had been beautiful and so open. Annie had been so kind and had demanded that I got to know the local traditions and cuisines.

I can´t help to cry softly at my memories for it had been the start in cementing my love for Peeta. My stay in 11 and 4 had started a completely different tour for me since Peeta saw its healing effect on me. He took me from district to district so that I got to know Panems´ people better. The uniqueness and versatility that every districts people had was really educational and back home in district 12 I had later tried to incorporate much of it into my garden and home.

HOME…. Prim…

Prim is alive…

Suddenly I realize exactly what I have been given. I could kiss Gale and Beetee. My sister is ALIVE. I´m suddenly full of activity, I rush up and rip my clothes down from the door. I don't care that they are wet I just force them and the boots on and stamps out the fire.

I should make sure that it´s really dead but can't make myself linger. I need to get home; I need to get to my sister.

Prim…

I´m so fast out the door that I almost forget the bow and the arrows, forcing me to turn around and go get them. But the moment I'm out the door I start running. I don´t stop, I ignore everything around me; the morning sun, the dew and the animals.

I ran along the hidden path, by the water stream and to the meadow. When I reach the edge of the meadow I stop too exhausted to run further. I rest my hands on my knees and try to catch my breath. When I have calmed down I start forward, ready to go home and hug the life out of my sister.

But as I take a step forward I can feel the weight of the bow and curse. I can't take it with me for if I do the peacekeepers will arrest me for instigation. I move back into the forest and letting the trees hide me again. I find the log and remove the hunting-bow and the arrows, ready to sweep them in the fabric once again.

But as I put the fabric around the bow I stop. I start swearing, I have been gone for an entire day and the peacekeeper must have reported my missing, if I go home without a good excuse they will make me disappear.

It´s still early morning and there should still be some bigger animals about; I need to hunt down a rarity to bribe the peacekeepers with. Swearing I turn around and stump back into the forest. I only want to go home, se Prim. But I know that I need to priority our own safety above my own needs.

Chapter 5

It has been two hours. I have and still no prey rare enough to be worth a peacekeepers blind eye; only a couple of peacocks and squirrels that is now dead beside me, but nothing bigger. I'm starting to get frustrated and carless.

To calm myself and lure out prey I have climb up an oak tree overlooking another water stream, this one bigger than the last. I try to just breathe in the morning and still my senses. I´m so happy over Prim being alive that hunting is the last thing I want to do.

For one hour I make no sounds and finally I´m awarded form my patience. A deer and her colt have come to the water to drink, both looking healthy and fat. The colt sin running around and exploring as the mother keeps an eye out for trouble.

I hate the fact that I'm going to kill one of them, my thought mostly on the colt for without the mother is will still die. I draw my bow and load up an arrow and aim, I make certain that I will hit the colts heart in my first shot. As the mother bows her head to take a drink I close my eyes and let the arrow fly.

Seconds later the colt falls together, dead in an instant. The mother rears up and lets out a shout of fear. She bolts towards her child, but she seems to realize that the colt is dead. She only pauses for a few seconds before she abandons the body and runs into the forest.

I feel her pain and I mourn the loss of a life, but I am a hunter and I will not feel guilty for getting food. I climb down the tree and move towards the colt. I kneel before its head and stoke its neck, its sin still warm. I reach for the arrow and pull it out in one powerful yank.

The shot was clean for there is hardly any blood. I allow myself to feel satisfied for the good kill. I get up and starts to look for three thick branches and soft bark. Soft bark will help me tie together a sling to which I will secure the body.

By an old maple tree I find the branches I´m searching for. They have recently fallen to the ground and are yet strong enough to carry the colt's weight, thus saving my back from breaking. It takes me a bit longer to find barks soft enough to twain together the branches, I could have used grass but that is not as strong.

When I have built my sling I strap it to my body similar to a backpack and drag it over to the colt to get a feel of its weight and structure. When I am confident that it will hold I start to load the colt onto it. The colt must weigh about 35 kilos and I know that I will have to walk slowly or my own strength will give in long before I reach the fences to district 12.

When I am confident that everything is done and secured I start my journey home again, keeping myself focused by thinking of Prim's face and smile.

…

On my way home with my prey I spot a cluster of thick brushes, they are overflowing with ripe raspberries. I should walk past them and hurry home before Prim and mom really starts to panic, but I can't resist them. I search my body for something to keep them in, for a second I believe that I have to use my sweater but then I find the piece of fabric I use for my bow.

The fabric piece is from an old child dress too thin to be used for something else, it will work here though and should be able to hold about 1 liter of berries. I put down the baby-deer, birds and squirrels bodies to place the fabric on the forest floor.

I try to pick the berries as fast as I can, ignoring the bugs and leaves that's in my way. As soon as I´m done I adjust my bow and arrow, tie the four ends of the fabric to my right wrist and pick up the sling which holds the deer. I start moving again, this time in a faster pace since I'm close to the meadow and want to hurry home.

When I'm at the log, just before the meadow, I quickly stuff the bow and arrows in the hollowed out log and scan the area, the meadow is empty and alight with sunlight. The day proving to be a sunny one. The fence is on the end of the meadow, big and intimidating.

The fence brings back so many memories of the misery that in district 12 and soon I will be a part of it again. I hesitate to take the final step out into the open. The thought of Prim though strengthens my resolve and I take a determined step out into the tall soft-green grass. The deer dragging tracks into the dirt behind me.

I move to my usual opening in the fence, the hole that is disguised by a thick bush. I have to work hard to get the small deer through the gap but after some time I manage.

Now the real problem began, I could just walk right home but since I have caught such a big loot I'm in danger of being attacked by others. Meat is a rarity for 12 and deer meat even more so. How to get it home without having anyone noticing it?

Suddenly I think of Johanna, she once told me how they in 7 always had to collect their own wood by slings under the strict supervision of peacekeepers. The people of district 7 only get three days, five times a year, to collect wood for the winter. The condition being that they work alone, or with close family, never in groups for the purpose to help each other.

I run back to the tree line and rips apart branches covered in leaves and when I have enough go back to my sling to disguise the colt. I am sweating heavily by now and feel my thirst grooving by the second. My muscle starting to cramp and my legs feel like logs. I have overworked myself but I refuse to quit now. With determination I steel myself and ignore my bodies exhausted state.

I am soon done and take a step back. I am still mostly counseled by the big bush, but I know that my time is running out. I need to get home now.

I place the birds and squirrels atop of the woodpile together with the berries. They will serve as bait so no one looks closer at my loot.

Before moving down the hill into mine factory area I take another look around. For those who knows' what to look for would immediately discover my tracks, I have been sloppy and stressed. Hopefully I will have the chance to correct it tomorrow or get some rain that will wipe out the tracks.

Bellow me district 12 lays still and lifeless, the sun reflecting in the metal houses and dirty windows. It looks like a place where people go to die, not to live. It's dark, dirty and depressing. But amongst this houses two dandelions exist that's the light of my world. One I hope to avoid for the pain of my lost past and the other I can't wait to see for she can be my future.

When I am certain that nobody's near I drag the sling out from the bush and strap it on once again. My steps are slow but I am filled with an elation and energy unknown to me before. But I am also worried, what if the deer is not enough to secure a pardon. Everything would end before it had begun and I would leave Prim in a world of death and starvation.

I take a deep breath and start the journey home, hoping that the peacekeepers either can be bribed or has not yet learned of my disappearance. But I have no hope for the last thing, my old teacher has always had a strong belief in the capitals preaching and abhorred pupils skipping class.

I snort at that thought; I´m from the future and am 36 years old women stuck in a child's body and I am worried about peacekeepers and teachers; both whom I have not feared in years. The situation is ridiculous and I'm astonished at how fast I´m accepting it. I should be running around the forest and be screaming my head off.

Instead I'm on my way home to my suddenly alive sister with bribes to oppressors I though defeated. It is ridiculous but it is still real and it's happening.

And strange enough all I want to do is smile.

_Prim._

…

I have finally reached my block and just a couple of more turns and I should be home. I am sweating heavily and my entire body is trembling, but I push on. Bypassers is giving me strange looks but leave me be, they have their own problems and can't be bothered with me and mine.

A fact I have been counting on. The colt is still hidden and I am confident that I will make it the last few meters home before my body gives in.

A shadow falls over me and I still. I am terrified that it will be a peacekeeper and that my days are numbered. But it isn't instead it is almost worse: it is Gales mum; Mrs. Hawthorne.

She looks older then my mom even if they are the same age, her hair is graying at the roots and her face look tired and worn. I have forgotten how thin she was before the war, she had gotten fatter after and seeing her so weak and starved-like is scary.

Her presence is like a knife; she and her family have always treated me like one of theirs and right now she looks scared and disappointed.

"You have visitors, the troubled kind." She tells me in whispers, dark-grey eyes burning into mine; she wants to know what I have been doing that could possibly have put my family in danger. "Your mother and sister has covered for you, but the visitors is getting angry and hostile."

I nod but don't speak. She nods in turn and moves past me, going home to her little ones and leaving me to deal with the mess I created. Before she disappears behind a corner she turns around. "Your sister told them that you were sick, a fact that is supported by miners seeing you vomiting yesterday morning." After those words she is gone, but it is enough. I know what I have to say now and I hope it all will work.

I continue on without any more interruption and within minutes I am at the corner before my home. I am terrified, if the colt won't do they will kill my whole family. An angry peacekeeper is a deadly peacekeeper, no one has survived a pissed of peacekeeper before. I the colt isn't enough I will have doomed my family.

Before I walk into sight I take the peacocks, squirrels and the berries and hide them underneath the nearest house. Thankful that most houses, whilst being constructed from metal-plains and bricks, rest their foundation on rocks; thus leaving gaping holes everywhere you look if you direct your eyes to the ground. I know they will be safe there for no one is stupid enough to stick their head out when there are peacekeepers in the Seam.

When I have them hidden I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what's to come. I dry my sweaty hands on my pants and start walking forward on shaky legs. The peacekeepers surrounding my house notice me at once as I round the corner. One of them knocks on my house door and speaks to the person or persons inside.

I hope that Prim is not in there. The colt feel heavy on my back and my breath is short. I am nervous and I want to run away. But it´s too late as one of the peacekeepers take a step towards me, a cold look in his eyes, just daring me to run. I don't.

Out of my house the biggest peacekeeper I have ever seen emerges. His uniform is so shiny and spotless that the whiteness of it could blind a person. He is an older man in his mid-30's and has a fine red colored beard that's clashes with the uniform.

"Ah, Miss Everdeen I am peacekeeper Darque" he says as I come close enough that he don't have to shout. I study him a few seconds and to my horror I realize that he is one of those people that take great pride in his manners and profession, to bribe him will be impossible.

He has the cold gleam in his eyes that the cruelest and coldest peacekeepers has, everyone in district 12 knows to avoid them like the plague for they will judge before a crime has been committed.

"You finally grace us with your present. My I ask where you have hidden yourself; we have been looking for you since early morning, you have missed two days' worth of class." The peacekeeper says with frustration and irritation dripping from his voice. He is looking for an excuse to arrest me; he clearly hates being here and me for forcing him own here. Most peacekeepers hate visits to the Seam. They always leave covered in soot and stinking of unclean humans.

Something tells me that the thought of dirt disgusts peacekeeper Darque. I need him to focus on something else, away from the colt; that would get me a shut in the head if it were discovered. Anything would do.

"I am sorry peacekeeper, I thought I just had the cold but it must have been something worse." As I say this he and the other two peacekeepers take step back. Diseases in the seam are mostly of the deadly kind and no one wants to risk being infected.

"I only meant to get healing bark but as I neared the fence where the bushes grow I started to feel even worse. As I was breaking down the branches I started puking." I try to bring fort sick emotions hoping to convince them. Thankfully I am sweating and shaking a lot and probably looking extremely pale.

"I turned around and started home again but then I think I fainted. What happened next I don't really know. I woke up near the meadow covered in sweat and feeling wet." I continue, hoping that the wet patches on my clothes will be believed as sweat and not water induced.

"Ah! And the fact that it's been two days and it's almost noon is something you want us to let slide Ms. Everdeen; in addition you're carrying illegal firewood on your back, which is normal I suppose for a sick person?" Peacekeeper Darque ask with a sneer and a heavy dose of sarcasm. He then takes out a white handcarief and cover his lower face with it.

I have a hard time not sneering back, I hate people that lords their power over others and it brings home how powerless I am now. Since I can't answer back I have to swallow my natural answer and try to look meek and compliant.

"I didn't realize that an entire day had passed, I thought I just lost a few hours … then I thought I was better so I collected the branches from a bush growing through the fence and headed home. I didn't know I was gone for so long and that the wood would be considered illegal. I am truly sorry." I say in a tired and meek voice, hoping that they will buy it.

The peacekeepers companions looks bored and willing to go along with it, but Darque clearly want to take this farther. Before he gets the opportunity to speak again my mother suddenly stands in the doorway. She looks worried and tired, I realize that I must have really worried her.

"Hi Katniss, you're back." Her voice is so small and empty, like she's dead on her feet.

"Yeah, hi mom. Sorry, I didn't know that I was gone so long. Where you and Prim very worried?" I ask back, taking a couple of steps passed peacekeeper Darque and towards her. I take of the sling straps and pull it up to lean against the wall next to the doorpost. I then hug my mother and breathe in her sent. All the time hoping no one will look closer at it.

Mom smells of coal and flowers, she always were so picky about her sent; always trying her best to keep herself and us clean. I never told her that the combined smell of the two was horrible. I still won't say anything even as the smell makes me gag, I'm too happy to see her.

Mom is a bit stiff but she doesn't resist the hug, she actually leans into it and hugs me back almost desperately. I know that our relationship at this time is strained and a bit hostile. But even though I never really reconciled properly with her I am happy to see her now. I do after all love her.

Mom´s suddenly pushing me away and brings her hand up to my forehead. She then exclaims and pulls me inside, completely forgetting about the peacekeepers.

"Mom! What…" I shout, stunned by her actions, but happy for it brings the peacekeepers attention away from the colt.

"Not a word child, you are sweating and have a fever. You are going straight to bed and not move until I have examined you." Moms tell me in no uncertain words, she has entered doctor mode and I know better than to argue. Unfortunately peacekeeper Darque doesn't and he is angry at my mother's actions.

"Mrs. Everdeen what do you think you are doing?! She has not yet explained herself to my satisfaction. I demand further answers now." My mother ignores him, dragging me into my small room and pushes me down on the bed. As soon as I'm down she pulls of my boots and forces me to take of my wet clothes in front of the peacekeepers. I am soon laying underneath the thin blanket and feeling mortified.

"You can continue asking her as soon as I have gotten her settled, I know you have a job to do but she is my child. I only want to make sure that she is fine." Moms says and looks with kind eyes at Darque, she doesn't give the poor man a chance. That look can break any man's resolve.

"I..well..I suppose…hmm, hmm." Darque looks ridiculous when fluster and stuck in a room ten sizes too small for him. I bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing.

"So she is sick?" Everyone knows that my mom has some knowledge of medicine since she is the daughter of a pharmacies. Even some of the peacekeepers have gone to her when their own doctors have been unavailable.

"Yes, she shows signs of dehydration, fever, low energy and stress. I believe that the fever has caused shills and hallucinations as well. It would not surprise me. It's a sure sign of some type of infection in the body." Mom answers back with a firm voice and once again feel my forehead. I can see that she is partly lying, I don't have a fever but my body is exhausted enough that the peacekeepers might buy it.

My red face probably selling the lie better.

"So her story is believable, she might actually have been knock out cold along the fence this entire time." One of the peacekeepers in the back asks. He clearly wants to get out of here, afraid of contracting anything.

"Yes." My mother answers. "The fence is long and there is many small holes and rock that could have hidden her along the hill up to the meadow." The peacekeepers behind Darque is clearly willing to buy this, they withdraw to the kitchen and discuss it. I really don't care for I realize that if they leave we have an entire colt sitting against our house-wall.

I wonder if I should say something to mom and get her to secure it before anyone discovers it. But as I move to speak I hear a new voice at the door.

"Mom! Mom, who's our guests?... Should I make tea?" Its Prim's voice, her soft and sweet voice. She is home. She must have been in school and run home over lunch to see if I have returned. She must be terrified that peacekeepers are in the kitchen.

"They are just here to make sure I got home ok." I yell out to her. I hear her light patter as she move quickly to our room. Her entire face lights up when she sees me.

"Katniss!" she exclaims. "Your home, you're ok." She says with laughter, clearly relieved to see me. I laugh with her, for that is exactly what I think back. My sister stands before me, alive and well and I can't keep myself from drinking her in.

I stare at her, my eyes tearing up. I wordlessly open my arms for her to run into. I need a hug, desperately.

She seems to sense it and rushes into my arms. I embrace her hard. I think I will never let her go again. I burry my head in her baby-soft hair and breathe her in. my light is alive and warm, safe once again in my hold. And this time I will not let anything happen to her.

Chapter 6

Prim sits at my side on the bed. I have not let her go and she is more than happy to comply. The peacekeepers is still here and Darque seems to be looking for blood. I am scared, nothing I say are making him gladder, no, infact he looks angrier as time passes. The colt I killed to buy me of punishment is useless as a bribe and I have nothing else to bargain with. I fear for my families continued health. It is ironically, I am back not two whole days and I may just have killed my sister.

To my surprise my mother is having much more luck with peacekeeper Darque´s underlings, they even drinking tea with her in our kitchen. That women is amazing. But alas, I am stuck in my small room with a stuck-up nightmare. Peacekeeper Darque has been questioning me for the last hour and has of yet told me off my punishment. If I am to live or to die. It is making me extremely nervous, which I suppose helps me look even sicker.

"Ms. Everdeen, I can see that no further fact is being given and have wasted enough time in your… lovely home." Darque finally says and I direct most of my attention to his next words, it is time for judgment. "You will present yourself in two days' time, if you are in etiquette health, to receive your punishment from head peacekeeper Cray."

I give a relieved sigh, my family will not be punished this day. But we will be remembered, this I know. The best part is even who is to give me my sentence, Cray and I have an understanding and if I give him some berries and a couple of birds the punishment will be less severe.

"However…" the peacekeeper goes on, making cold shills travel down my body. "For your families failure of given notice of your disappearance you will be given a chance to take their punishment now." Darque says and smirks. Hate flare in my body as I can feel Prim start shaking. Whenever a peacekeeper says something like that it usually means sex. There is a lot of women and young girls who give themselves to the peacekeepers to save their families or receive food. A fact that most peacekeeper loves to use when it comes to punishment. I so far have been able to avoid it, as has my mother thanks to her healing knowledge and kindness.

"What is it you want" I say through clenched teeth. I will kill the man if he looks at Prim, or even my mother.

"I believe that you just the other day brought home a tesserae. Didn't you Ms. Everdeen." I look at him in horror. That was food.

"Perhaps." I say in a weak voice.

"Then it will be confiscated and if not all of it is found, you will have to take on two more as further punishment." The man says in a cold and satisfied voice. Prim is rigged next to me, this would mean that if not all was accounted for we couldn't take out another tesserae of almost three months. We could very well starve to death.

I knew this as did Darque. He was a much crueler man then I had first thought. He didn't like quick death, no this one liked the slow methods. If we managed to survive we would be very weak and vulnerable, just the way he wanted it. The man gave me the shills.

"Very well, my mother could show you where it is." I say, my eyes dead. Prim tries to get up to lead the way but my hand forces her to stay. She is not leaving this room with that man, not while I'm alive. Darque understand the power he has over us and he make sure that I see him brush his hand alongst my sisters arm before he leaves. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from attacking him.

I instead pull Prim closer to me and hold her close. I can feel her shaking in my arms. A fire of hate I haven't felt for a long time blossom in my stomach. I can feel the monster that lives inside me rise up and its power makes my skin crawl. It take everything I have to contain it and remain seated as I hear the peacekeepers move around in the kitchen. Not a sound comes from me, Prim or my mother. Soon after I hear a door closing and I wait until my mother is at the door.

"They gone?" I ask. She nods.

"Prim." She looks at me. "Go out and make sure that your goat is still in the back." Prim hurries out, growing pale with fright. If they have taken the goat they are even more doomed than they thought. My mother lets her pass and moves into the room. I almost pushes her from the bed as she sits down. We never did develop a good relationship after Prim died and it is hard for me to share space with her, no matter how much I do love her.

"They took everything." She says in a meek voice.

"Was it enough?" I ask back. She nods again. I am relieved. We will have to make it to the next month, but if I read that peacekeeper right I will have a lot of bargaining to do when I next go to the justice building to buy free a tesserae.

"Some of the things was not fully accounted for, but I gave them the bread we made yesterday and the tea, as well as cheese from the goat." She says. "Peacekeeper Darque wanted to protest but the other two said that it was more than enough."

I nod at her and we sit there, together in silence while we wait for Prim. She is soon back.

"The goat is alright." She tells us with a smile. "We will have some milk in the morning."

We all are relived over this.

"Prim, did you see the peacekeeper leaving the district?" I ask.

"Yes. I think so. They seemed to be in a hurry and I could see some of the neighbors look out the windows." She answers.

I throw of the blanket and rushes out into the kitchen. I stand in our own window and look out. It is dirty but I can see well enough. No neighbor has yet left their house and I smile. Prim and mother follows me and are looking at me.

"What is it Katniss?" My mother asks. I turn around and smile at them.

"I have a surprise for you, but we have to be careful." I say in reply. I look at Prim.

"The corner of Mrs. Cuts house, you know where?" I star and she nods. "In the hollows next to the cracked stone to their house I hide some booty." She looks at me in surprise.

"I want you to go get it, take my bag so no one will look." I say and gesture for my mother to go fetch my bag that is by my dirty clothes in the bedroom. Mother hurries away.

She looks a bit scared but nods. She will do it, we will need the food. I smile at her courage, I would go myself but we have snitches in the Seam and it is too dangerous. When mother returns with the empty bag I but it around Prims left shoulder.

"This is what you will do. You will go out the door but stop to look around more closely." I start, I look into her eyes and make sure that she is listening closely. She is.

"Then you will with quick step run over to the next house and lean on the door, the neighbors will think that you are looking for more peacekeepers. It will spook them, they will not leave the house as long as you behave scared and cautious."

Prims hand are shaking, she is nervous.

"What will I do next?" She ask in a low voice.

"Next you will run toward the Cuts house, there you will trip close to the hole I talked about." I say as I hug her to me, our mother comes closer and start petting Prims hair.

"Why don't I do it?" Mother says. I look at her.

"Because I'm supposed to be sick and you're taking care of me, besides there is more to do later." Is my answer.

"Prim, as you trip make a startled half-shout. Than pretend that you're afraid to draw any peacekeepers attention. Huddle up next to the hole and stay there for a couple of seconds." My voice is grave as I think about the risk Prim is taking. If any cameras is directed to our house at the moment any mistake might cost Prim her life, but if mother or I went that would be a huge warning sign for either the peacekeepers or the neighbors.

The people around us are not evil, but they are desperate and hungry and I have a family to provide for. Prim will have to take this risk so that we can have food on the table.

"And while I huddle up I should try to get whatever's in there into the bag." Prim concludes. I nod but look uncertain.

"It might be too much for you, focus on the white package and squirrels. Leave the rest if you think it's too much." Prim smiles at the mention of meat, she has no idea about the colt, it would be enough but that is not what I have in mind.

"Then continue towards Gale's house." This makes them look at me in surprise.

"Shouldn't I run back home?" Prim asks.

"No it would look to suspicious. The idea is to get whatever's in the bag over to Mrs. Hawthorne, they have the basic food at home and I think she would trade you flower for some of the meat."

Mrs. Hawthorne usually had more of the basic food at home saved up as much as she could, she would trade a little of it for the meat, Gale can trade the meat in the black market, whilst I can't go there for some time now.

"When I went to collect the tesserae did Gale walk with me?" I ask. They look at me a bit worried.

"Are you really sick?" Mom asks. I shake my head.

"No but I think I hit my head in the forest, some things are scrambled." Mom nods and looks at me with concerned eyes, she will make me stay in bed after we get this done.

"Ah! No, Gale stayed at home." Was my answer. I curse, if Gale had been with me that would mean more food for us, but now we would be lucky to get a third of a sack from his mother.

"Okay! Prim, Mrs. Hawthorne won't be able to give you much, but whatever she will give you for what you can get into the bag you accept. We need it more than the meat, trust me on this." My family just goes along with it. I still don't know exactly how old I am or what time of the year it is, but I realize as I look at them that I have been the head of the family for some time now. There is no argument, what I say goes. I hate that fact, but it will help us now.

"So I should look scare, get the loot and then hurry towards Gale's house?" Prim ask for clarification.

"No! You will move in that direction and when you are close enough pretend that you get cold feet and run home to Gale. There you will stay until mother comes looking for you. It will be two or three hours. So make sure nothings figures you out for we won't be able to get to you in time." At this Prim pales even more, she realizes the danger she is in. Instead of crying she make me proud by straightening her back and nod.

We make sure to hash out all the details before she goes, mother hugging Prim the entire time. We are all scared but the peacekeeper crippled us and it needs to be done. Soon Prim has opened the door and left. I want to scream for her to return to safety. Mother and I look at the closed door and are both trembling. We would never have sent Prim if it wasn't necessary. That is the only comfortable though we have for our action.

Mother starts making her way over to me, I know she wants me to go to bed. But we need to cover for Prim and mom need to bring the colt inside.

"No mom, I sleep later. It is time for your part." I say in a hard voice. I can see she is startled by it and her eyes loses some of its shine. Ever since father died mother has a hard time staying focus when she is scared, but I need her so I take her into my arms and forces her to look me in the eyes. It brings her back from the brink.

"I know that you are scared, but you need to do this. It is nothing as dangerous as what Prim is doing, you can do this." I say to her and she just looks back at me.

"I need you to go out in a few minutes, Prim needs time enough to leave the Cuts house. When I think she is cleared you will open the door and start to look around. As if you are searching for your daughter." As I talk mother starts to listen more and more. I realize that she believes that is all she will have to do.

"When you can't find her you turn around and head back inside… just before you enter you stop. You look at the wood I collected and then you start bringing it inside." I tell her, my voice growing thick as the danger we are about to put ourselves in become more clear to me. A danger I put us in. The other peacekeepers would have easily been bought off by the meat, but I had to get the one that still obeyed the law. Figures.

Thankfully mom doesn't fully grasp the severity of the situation, her mind is more to Prim. This is also the fact why I send Prim away, if we are found out the only two that will die is me and mom. Prim will be protected by Gale.

The peacekeepers will shoot us point blank, but the people in the Seam will tear us apart if they find out how much meat I have hidden away. They won't be able to stop themselves, the hunger is too great.

"Mom. The wood is heavier than what you will expect. Whatever you do, do not drop it." I say in a grave voice. Fear creeps into her eyes, she suspect that there are more out there than wood. Before she can start contemplating exactly what that something is I bring her attention to something else. A thought that just appeared to me.

"Mom. What exact time and day is it today?"

"What?"

"Time and day mom."

"Um… It's Wednesday, the sixth day of the 73th Hunger Game." She answered. I realize that this means that I am 15 year old. I am also thankful that I at least don't have to think about the Games for an entire year. Thank the creatures.

"Then the chestnut trees are full of their thorny seeds, right." I ask her. She has to think for a moment, having a hard time jumping from Prims adventure to my everyday questions.

"Yes, but they are uneatable. You know this Katniss. The trees are mutation from the old art and their seeds are unbreakable. They fall down and then they rot. "My mother says exasperated. Shaking her head and looking at me like I am crazy. Maybe I am.

"And if it is late summer, they are still green. Right?" I ask.

"Well. Yes"

"Good." I say and let the matter drop. Enough time has gone by that Prim should be halfway to Gale's house by now.

"It is time for your part. Are you ready?" My mother doesn't answer she just walks to the door. I hide in the shadows. She is gone in an instant and I soon hear her calling for Prim. Nothing else is heard. I can hear my mother moving back to the door and place myself behind it. I will help her the moment the door is closed.

My mother opens the door. Take a last look after Prim before she moves to enter, she is doing exactly as I told her. She then stops and look at the sledge, I can see through the door gap how she takes a strong hold off it and heaved it inside. It is hard on her, I can see how she is struggling, but she shows nothing for anyone else. I breathe a relieved sigh.

I am there the moment she closes the door. Taking hold of the straps and drag the price over to the table. I run back and watch carefully out the window.

"We need to be quick, the neighbors will avoid us for the next few days but Gales family might come by." I say excited. I rip of the branches and I hear my mother's surprised gasp behind me. I turn with a happy smile towards her.

"We will have much of meat the next few weeks." I say and laugh, my mother soon joins me.

For a while as we work on quarter the colt we forget about Prim. The meat before us has taken first priority. It will keep us from starvation until I have served my punishment and can go back into the forest.

The good thing about it being august is that the forest is rich with food. Before I had my father's book as a guide to finding anything eatable, but now with my own knowledge I know that I will find so much more. For even though we live in a forest hardly anyone has any knowledge about what is eatable in the nature. That knowledge died away many generations ago, the once my father wrote down he mostly learned from trial and errors, the old folks and other districts tributes. I have collected even more, since I traveled the districts and soaked up all the knowledge I could.

For example, the hazelnut trees growing in district 12 was until after the war an unknown food source to us, I learned from Johanna how to open them up and remove the nut. I had no idea how good its hidden treasure was, or how useful.

Within two hours we have skinned the colt, hanged it up for draining and empty it from its insides. The leafs from the branches working as a stuffing and drying tool. We emptied out the pantry and hanged the colt in there. We will leave it there until it is empty of blood and be tenderized before we cut it up and process it. Thankfully the pantry is towards the vest and shadows from the outside, thus always cold all year around.

Inside we put some sand and vinegar in bowls around it to mask its sent. When we were done we cleaned out the intestine to make sausage later. We let it soak in a tub. The blood we would later made into a pudding, most of which we would give to Gale's family. They needed it more than we and we couldn't eat everything before it went bad.

When we finally had everything finished and cleaned away the evidence we hurried to get my mother into some clean clothes. When she was ready she said goodbye and then hurried off to find Prim. We both hoped that she had made it safe to Gale's. We would soon see. I couldn't follow her even though I wished for nothing more, instead I laid my exhausted self on my mattress and soon was asleep.

Chapter 7

For the next few months I slowly adapted myself to the new situation. It was harder than anything I have done before. Prim had made it safely to Gale's mother and had managed to collect almost everything from the hollow. Which was good for Mrs. Hawthorne made a much better trade with Prim than I would have thought. I later learned that Gale had gone to the mayor with the barrier and birds, thus managing to get flavor and other good basic supplies. I was happy about that.

The first time I interacted with Gale after coming back was at my house, it was a horrid meeting. I had a hard time just not shouting at him and demanding him to leave. I blamed it on my sickness. He forgave me. I got better at being around him as time moved on. The one that was hardest to see was Peeta. We had the same classes and I avoided him like the plague. Every time I saw his eyes, hair or gentle smile I ran away as fast as I humanly could.

Every time I saw him my heart pounded and I had trouble focusing on anything. It was a nightmare, I hated feeling so weak.

I can't say that I didn't have bad day. There were more of those than good ones. Mother and Prim bore it, helping me every step of the way. I never told them why I was so different, I guess they just summed it up to a breakdown. Not far of the truth, the cause being the thing that differentiated. Someday I missed my family more than I loved Prim, those day where dark ones for I couldn't stand looking at my own sister. Other where full of rage and violence, those days I hunted in the forest alone, Gale avoiding me until I had calmed.

The best with my return where the food I could gather, it was more than my family needed so Gale´s family got the excess. Gale didn't even ask about it, instead he just ask me to teach him. I did. I also had Prim teach some of it to the others in the Seam together with Gale. How to dry fruit, handle different roots and bark and fungus that before we couldn´t. It meant less children starving to death.

I didn't have the nerve to do it myself, every face I saw face reminding me daily of my past and gave me nightmare. I couldn't stand looking at the desperate mothers and hungry children. The miners I could handle, they were faceless beings and easy to ignore, but the mothers who fought every day for more food to their young, that I couldn't ignore.

As time moved on and fall and then winter came I got better, more stable. I still had bad episodes but not as often or as violent. I was glad over it. Some days I was depressed but my sister got better and better at drawing me out, to interact with her and others.

I never actively spent time with any other than my sister, but I slowly started to accept Gale and his family once again. Some days it felt as if I had just met him, cautious but curious interaction with each other.

Every month I had a new plan on how to face the future. Some day's when I was angry I planned to burn down the entire capital and sit on president Snow´s ashes. Those days I hide myself away from peacekeepers and my family, those days I was dangerous for I had a hard time watching my tongue.

I can still remember the pain from my punishment. Cray had been lenient, he wanted meat and the prices I could gather for him. I could walk when the day was over, but I was weak for weeks. They hadn't whipped me, but I was brutally caned. Nothing that didn't heal but it took me days before I could walk unhindered and lye comfortable on a bed. Some part of me was grateful, it could have been much worse but mostly I was angry. The anger was good, it kept me strong and warm as they humiliated me. As I withstood the lector from my teacher and the disapproving stare of the population. It was a fact that when one of us went against the norm the peacekeepers would be more harsh in the days that followed.

For days people came to my mother after the caning and bore bruises from peacekeepers. They told my mother how they had been beaten, robbed and mocked by the soldier as they did something unagreeable. To the peacekeeper way of thinking anyway. It was hard having to stand there and hear it, knowing that I was to blame. At the time I had worried more of my family surviving, thus forgetting the consequence for the hole Seam.

If I only could have used the colt as a bribe everything would have been left alone. Thankfully I have manage to avoid Darque ever since the caning. Hopefully this would go on, that man gave me the shills.

It was odd how quick I got used to the hunger again, despise my learnings and many hunting trips we still went hungry most of the time. The meat from the colt was good but went quickly. Mom had given most of it to Mrs. Hawthorne and some close friend, especially when a disease spread amongst the people in the Seam. I had bared it because that's the way of my mother, even if it vexed me.

So time had passed and spring was over, as it grew more and more hot and the trees bloomed I got more and more scared. The 74th Hunger Games was on its way and I dreamt nightmare about it everyday. I prayed that this time it would go different. Gale, mother and Prim tried to comfort me but for everyday that passed I grew a bit more hollowed inside. I could feel the burden of the future crushing me slowly and I despaired for every day that passed. I couldn't decide what to do, it was impossible to control others action and counteract them when you have no idea how it work the first time. I hated the vulnerability I felt. It was paralyzing.

Before I could think. Before I could pln. before I could do anything the time had suddenly run out. I had no more time and I felt most unprepared. I was going to have to face the probability that I had to relive the hell I once defeated. I wanted to scream.

**End part I**

**Hunger Games a Timetravel fic**

belongs to Suzanne Collins. don't own so don't sue. This is a fanfic and the originals is so much better so run and read it if you haven't.

**Part II**

Chapter 8

I wake slowly. My entire body is cold and stiff. I don't want to move, but my hand reaches out for the warmth that should be next to me. It's not there, she is not there. My heart jumpstarts and cold panic sieges me. Where is she, is she okay, is she dead… those are the thought that always come to me when she leaves the bed. When she leaves my side to go to hers. Even after several months I still can't relax when her side of the bed I empty.

She must have had a bad dream, no matter what she never comes to me with those. She always turns to our mother. Some part of me, even after so many years hate my mother for that. That Prim seeks comfort from her in the dark and not me.

I sit up, trying to get some life into my limbs. There's enough light in the bedroom to see them. I can see her soft baby blond hair sticking up next to mothers frame. She is safe. But the question is for how long?

This is the day of the reaping. When our life changed and the beginning of the end started. I have feared this day for months. I still can't figure out what to do. I'm not a hero, my only goal in life is to see my sister safe. But she won't be safe, not today. Not if the reaping goes the same way. I have prayed to every falls god I remember from our history class, but I doubt they would hear me. My sisters first reaping is today and I know something that no one else does. She is the one that going to be chosen. And I can´t stop it from happening, only take her place and that work so well the last time, didn't it.

I look towards my mother, suddenly hit with the urge to seek comfort from her like Prim does. But she looks so fragile and worn. Once I would have said that the only time my mother look young and at peace would be when she slept. That is no longer through. Even in her sleep she looks troubled and alone. I never realized before what exactly my father's passing did to her. I thought I understood when Prim died, but know I think even that was not enough.

My father must have been my mother's everything and even her love for us are not enough to keep her alive. She is like a corps, why Prim and our friends don't see it I don't know. I would have become like her I think as I look at her, if not for Peeta. He wouldn't allow me to become ash. He and Haymitch both refused to let me kindle.

I get up and walk with silent step towards them. My sisters beautiful face bringing a soft smile to my face. I haven't smiled a lot lately, the only one that can make me even twist my lips is my sister.

Prim's face is as fresh as a raindrop, as lovely as the primrose she was named after. She looks so innocent. As sunlight capture in shadows. Gale's mother once said that Prims looks come from our mother, that when she was young she had the exact same appearance as her. I don't care. Prim is Prim and there has not been anyone as her, not before nor after.

I low meow bring my eyes down, my arch-nemesis is at my feet. Buttercup. He's to looking at Prim. I sometime think he knows that I'm a freak; that I have traveled back. But he seems to be content with my presence near his owner. If I accept him back I don't really know. I still hate the beast. He is the meanest and ugliest creature I have ever been near, and I have been near mots. A mashed-in nose, half of one ear missing, eyes the color of rotting squash and a breath that could kill peacekeepers makes him into an abomination. Prim off course loves him. She loves everything ugly and twisted, just look at her sister.

I turn away from my family as Buttercup jumps up and settles beside Prim. A silent agreement that while I hunt he guards her. I get my clothes and start dressing. I haven't grown that much since I got back and my old clothes still fits on me, even if they are starting to get tight. I hope to save enough money to buy fabric to me and Prim, just in case we both can go home after the reaping. Who knows, we might get lucky. I have gotten knew boots, well knew to me but like my old ones they are worn down and now molded to my feet. I get dressed silently and grab my forage bag as I reach the opening to the kitchen area. I tie my hair into a not in the neck and pull on a cap. As I walk towards the door I see Prim's reaping gift to me, a bit of cheese well protected from the rats. I open and close the door silently and sneak off towards the meadow.

I know that Gale will be waiting there for me, I still have instances when I hate his mere presence but I have started to get more and more used to the fact that he is a kid, not the man that let me down. Not that he would agree on that, in his eyes he is mature and a man. But from our talks and exploration of the forest I have realized that Gale is nowhere near an adult yet. He is more mature than others as was I do to our need to get food for our families. But he still looks at the world through a child eyes. He sees the injustice and believes that the right thing to do is the only path, I have realized that nothing is as simple as that. There exist no black and with. No good or bad, just greed and power and everyone caught in-between.

A dark look on life, but we humans are animals and we are killers and hunter and pack minded. We don't have the nature for peace and justice, not in a lasting sense. Some regimes are better than others and democracies is a better form of ruling then what other ways that have been tried but we can't stop our very nature. We are first most self-preservers. It took me a long time to see that and Gale never did, he believe that everything can be good and perfect. I myself no longer want to live in such a world. It would have no place for me. What I want is a somewhat safe life with Peeta and Prim. Food to eat and a safe place to sleep, the rest is an illusion and I rather live without that.

I'm up so early that I know that the Seam will be full of coal miners heading home from the night shift at this hour. I will blend in with them nicely all the way to the meadow. When I had first woken up in the past it was in an early morning like this one, but I had hardly thought at all about the miners. About the men and women with hunched shoulders, swollen knuckles and dead faces. I think that at the same time a person steps into those mines is the same time they give up their life, it had always scared me especially after my father's death. I hated the mines, but I would rather stay down below for the rest of my life if I it kept me away from President Snow's watchful eye.

…

The streets was far emptier than what I had first expected until I thought about the reaping. The capitol always made people go home and clean themselves before the event took place at the town's square at two o'clock. We were even given free water ration for the day to bath in. If not for the children we had to sacrifice for our dead end way of life I'm certain more would look forward to this day. After all we only get one day a week free from school and the worker only two day free from work a month. A free day is a hard thing to come by.

The day shift miner a most likely staying home, sleeping or being with their children. Since coming back here and being here for months I once again remember why I once said that I would never marry or have kids. My babies are the only thing that can even make the hunger games seem bearable, the thought of having them again in a capitol free world is almost worth all the pain. Almost, if they don't come at the expense of their aunt.

The seam is quiet. The little people that is about are minding their own business. Leaving me free to move about. The peacekeeper I do see are too busy with checking people on their way home for weapons to mind me. It is not long before I reach the scruffy field called the Meadow. The capitols high chain-link fence is the only thing keeping me away from the forest. But not for long, I know every hole there fence has and have used them shamelessly for years to come and go as I like.

I remember how scared I was at first after coming back. Every step I took was like a nightmare. I saw peacekeeper in every shadow and mots in every tree. I hadn't even dared speak even though I knew about the border lines and forbidden words. The old fear of getting killed had been strong, but my love for this forest had made me pull through and once again it feels like a second home. Know so even more since I can use my gained knowledge to feed mine and Gale's family.

I carefully listen after the signs of electricity, luckily there was no sign of it and I could easily slip underneath the gap, hidden behind clump of bushes. I quickly run over the piece of meadow that is left and disappear into the trees. I quickly retrieve my bow and arrows from the hollow log and begin the morning hunt. I want rabbits and some squirrels with me home, just in case so that mom and Prim has meat for the time to come. They're going to need it.

I travel light on my feet through the woods, careful of any flesh-eaters. There not many this close to the fence but they do roam free. The only thing I am really concerned about is the wolf pack I have heard a couple of times and the bear that lives by the left Lake about two hour from here. It usually come this way when the berries and the mushrooms blooms. . Inside the woods they roam freely, and there are added

I collect plenty of food as I walk, mostly based of the knowledge my father gave me, but some from Johanna and Rues mother. Who knew that there existing nut inside the hard and pointy shell of an ….. They are an absolute treat at wintertime when roasted. Prim loves them. As would father have. I still wish for him to be by my side even after so many years since we lost him.

I am lucky though that I still have my bow, even after everything there was no one amongst my acquaintance that knew how to make a bow like my father. It was my finest weapon and one I used with great care. I can never take one of his bows with me home, I have found about three of them. There was more but I can recall where they are and one is used by Gale. If not for the heavy band on weapons I would go to our woodcarvers and ask for more but that would be a sign of a rising rebellion and I would get killed. Even if it would bring more meat into our ranks and help more children survive the winters.

Except for peacekeeper Darque the others turn a blind eye to me and Gale when we come back with meat. Not even the trains for the peacekeeper elite carry much food with them, making me and Gale a good living and somewhat safe. As long as we keep away from the unit runned by that idiot. Not even after all this months has he mellowed out, but thankfully he has left me alone. If not for Darrell and the other Peacekeepers who has adapted well to district 12 that man would have killed about 10 people by now and most likely started a rebellion amongst the miners.

Not that I would ever let that idiot know what I am thinking, I'm not as foolish as I was when I was young. I have learned what a mighty weapon words are and what little tolerance people of power has for those that dare use them.

Not even in the Hob can you speak freely amongst the other of your kind. Discuss little more than trades in the Hob and you will be gone the next day. Since I was eleven I have avoided discussing tricky topics. Like the reaping, or food shortages, or the Hunger Games. I even continued it after we defeated the capitol. Talking about the new rule, the different heroes and how people was punished was not a safe thing to do. I at least got my freedom back after foolishly talking to Gale, but others disappeared just as before.

Panem has never been a place where I felt safe. I sometimes wonder if it should even exist. If a new system all together should be built or if that to would lead to injustice and suppression. After spending two hour in the forest hunting and capturing three rabbit and two birds I finally start walking towards the rock ledge, the one I know Gale will be at for it has a beautiful outlook over the forest and are hidden by thick berry bushes. I will probably hunt with him for an hour more after we eat, but now I won't have to be so close to him. He will take the traps to the east and I those to the west. A good system and will have me home in time for my bath.

…

I school my face as I approach, I can see my old friend sitting there and basking in the sun. He seems at ease and I almost smile at him. I'm slowly reconciling with Gale, even though he is unaware that we have a distant between us. We will never again be close but I can't escape his importance in mine and Prims life. The sight of him waiting there brings back so many happy memories and I am slowly forgetting all the bad once.

I snap a branch as I approach and he turns around. He smiles broadly at me and waves. "Hey, Catnip," says Gale. The only one that has ever called me by that name are him and it goes a long way of me seeing the Gale now then the Gale of the future.

"Look what I shot," Gale says with a smirk. I know what he will show me but chose to go with it and look. He holds up a loaf of bread with an arrow stuck in it. I can smell it from where I stand, I force out a laugh. I had forgotten that it was real bread and not the one from the grain rations. It is Peeta's bread. I get homesick. I have hardly spoken nor seen Peeta since coming back, I have not had the energy for it. Peeta is the one person that would make me feel safe and I can't break right now, not with the reaping happening in just a few hours.

"Mm, still warm," He says. He must have been at the bakery at the crack of dawn to trade for it. "I got it from the butcher." Gale explains as he breaks the bread in two and hand me one half. "His son's birthday is coming up and he wanted to surprise him, so he traded it for a squirrel. "

I give a soft smile. I take out the cheese from Prim and give half of it to Gale. We make our customary toast and start eating.

"Well, here is to someone's pending birthday." I say and lift my bread in a jester of a toast. We eat the bread slow and enjoy the quite. That's the best thing with being stuck with Gale, he doesn't talk endlessly. I can relax somewhat and just enjoy the small freedom that I got out here.

After we have eaten I'm ready to head out once again but before I can voice it Gale starts talking in a quiet voice, his eyes staring out over the valley.

"We could do it, you know."

"What?" I ask even though I already know what he is going to say.

"Leave the district. Run off. Live in the woods. You and I, we could make it," says Gale.

No we wouldn't. We may be skilled hunters but the capitol will find us quick. Just as they did the Avox girl so many years ago. I can still see her brothers face as they killed him. That would be Prims faith if we ran. We would be hunted like animals and killed like one to, no mercy would be shown.

"Not with those scaredy-cats back home Gale. They would never make it one day out here." I say and he agrees with me. We stop talking about a possible freedom and pack our things, thankfully without any more words from Gale.

After heading out again, Gale close on my trail we head into the forest again. We won't split up for another ten minutes. But before we come to the cross Gale starts talking again.

"I know that you want to hunt some more, but what do you say about fishing? We haven't done that for a long time and our families could do with some fish." It is common for the districts to celebrate at the evening after the reaping, many parents do this because of the relief that their children is safe for another year. Gale wants fish so that he can share its rare meat with his family tonight. But the thought of fishing makes me sick, last time I had caught a couple of fish and had look forward to eating it, which was before the reaping and before Prim was chosen.

But Gale looks so eager that I don't have the heart to protest, I know he has notice how withdrawn I have been towards him this last few months and so I follow him out of guilt to our fishing place. We once again caught some fish, Gale happier about it than me. But after a while I convince him to stop and we spend the rest of the time together, even though it is hard on me, collecting greens and strawberries. The greens is for the younger children in our families and the strawberries to our mothers so they can make jam.

Thanks to Rue's district and Johanna's I once again learned how to harvest sap and collect resin, the tough part being how to build a container and a drainer. This of course was something I keep close at heart, the trees inside the district would be destroyed within months if anyone found out. And if the trees died then the peacekeepers would investigate and I would be found out and most likely killed. Gale had once asked me but I had asked him back if he could keep quiet even if he saw a starving babe. He didn't ask again, he never was as pragmatic and cold-hearted as me when it came to surviving. He didn't hate me for it but he couldn't understand it either really.

After collecting one of the sap-containers from a hidden spot, Gale waiting a bit back out of respect, I suddenly thought of something. I almost cursed myself for being such an idiot.

"Gale!" I shout.

"What?" he shouts back, panic in his voice. He thinks a predator is about.

"Come here." Is all I say.

Gale take a few minutes but he soon comes running. I almost feel sorry for deceiving him but hold my tongue until he is by my side. He looks around and slowly relaxes as he finds the forest calm and danger-free. He looks at me with questioning eyes.

"If it's me... you need to know." Is all I say as an explanation.

Gale's entire face forms into a pained expression. He hate talking about this things but for the sake of our siblings I will force him to.

"No Catnip…" I hush him and look at him with determination.

"If it is me, my secret hiding hole will be forgotten and our little ones will suffer for it. They have more food than most, but they still go hungry. You know this. If it is me I need you to know, ok?" I say with a soft voice. He looks back at me and nods. This I could always count on him on. He will always look after our siblings, no matter what. It is what once drew me to him and made me love him. That is why his betrayal had hurt so much, for even if I could never be _in love_ with him it felt as if he broke my heart that day.

Leaving those thought in the back of my mind I take Gale hand and show him my hidey-hole. It has over 10 filled containers of sap and 5 of resin. It will last the entire fall and then some if Gale is watchful with it. I protect it for predators with thorn bushes and rocks. I also have smell-traps set around the hole in the rock so that bears and other creatures would not want to investigate. Something I learned in the farmer-district.

When we have made certain that Gale will find his way back again we had to the hob, the black market of district 12, located in an old abandoned warehouse that once used to store coal before more adapt measures of transportation was created. We soon have traded most of the fish for bread, salt, medicine and paraffin. Gale and I used to sell most of the strawberries before we mixed it with the sap, but know we hold onto almost the entire pick. We still sell some of it to the mayor for some cash but he no longer get as much as it used to be.

This time we want some cash so after the hob we swing by the mayor's and knock on the back door. The mayor's daughter, Madge, opens the door. I still have a hard time meeting her eyes, for I know that in my time she is dead. She and most of district 12 burned up after the 75th Hunger Games. Madge has always been the closest to a girlfriend I have ever had, she is withdrawn and keeps to herself. This suited my just find when I was younger and still do. Even if it is difficult to spend time around her since her death is haunting me. But that is just something I have to survive I guess.

Today she's dressed in an expensive white dress, and her blonde hair is done up with a pink ribbon. Reaping clothes.

"Pretty dress," says Gale and I have to bite my lip not to smile. Madge just nods and ask what we want. We sell her a bit of the strawberries and get about 10 credits.

Gale is a bit colder towards Madge then me, even if we do all precede a distinct class difference between us. After all Madge can at most, as Gale points out, have no more than five entries. One extra for every year she partake. Whilst we two have bought over 20 tesserae's each. That's the trap, the _tesserae_. It's the capitol's offer to everyone. Every child between the ages of 12 to 18 can buy a tesserae, which is about a meager year's supply of grain and oil for one person, for another entry into the Hunger Games.

You can see why someone like Madge, who has never been at risk of needing a tesserae, can set him off. In fact the upper class of our part in the district has the most surviving number of children in comparison to other districts. A fact that comes from our meager food ration and the fact that we haven't won one Hunger Game for many, many, years.

It's a subject that have always weigh heavy upon Gales shoulder and always will. He sees the genius of the act. It's a way for the capitol he has said to ensure that the upper class doesn't have anything to do with the lower; a sure way to plant hatred between the starving workers of the Seam and those who can generally count on supper. I could never see that as well as him, but after the hunger games and the stay at the capitol I have more knowledge than I did as a young Katniss and I still marvel over his insight. Gale knew from an early age just how the Capitol worked, a fact that many others never thought of or tried to fight against. The closest I ever got was my friendship with Madge and my hunts in the forest before I was swept away as a tribute and everything went to shambles.

As we walk home I keep glancing at Gales face, still smoldering underneath his stony expression. His rages seem pointless to me, but I hold my tongue. There is nothing that can be done at this time against the Capitals games, but perhaps someday soon that will change_; hopefully not because of me though_.

Before I and Gale part ways we split the rest of the gain between us. I give him some of my prey and he gives me a couple of fishes. The bread, salt, paraffin, greens and strawberries we split even and say good bye. I feel it has been one of our better days, when I haven't been plagued by our past happenings and that gives me a strange warm feeling in my belly. I think its joy, joy that I finally can start being friend with Gale again as we used to be, without the fake mask and fake smiles.

Our last parting word to each other is;

"See you in the square… And may the odds be ever in your favor."

...

When I come home my mother and sister are already good to go. Mother in her old dress from her apothecary days. Prim is dressed in my old reaping outfit, a skirt and ruffled blouse. Hold together with fifteen pins so that the skirt won't fall down.

I look at my mother. She is standing in front of me, avoiding my eyes. It has been like this ever since my father died. It never got to the point where we could look at each other with ease again. At the start it was because she let us fend for ourselves, we had almost starved to death before she even begun waking up from her trans. I could never bring myself to forgive her for that. But later it was for the fact that we both blamed me for getting Prim killed. We never said it out loud but the words was never needed. She once failed Prim by leaving her alone to mourn and I failed her by allowing her to become a pawn in the war.

I now look at my mother and I can't bring myself to even be warm to her, even if she doesn't know the sorrow my acts brought us there is a huge cliff between us and I am not really inclined to close it. I can't bring myself to love her as deeply again as I once did, too much bad blood.

I hurry to bath in the tub that they left for me and scrub myself down. If you come dirty to the square you will be punished. Either with lower food rations or with sudden beatings by passing peacekeepers. They do keep track of you. Grownups gets away with it a bit, but the children must look clean and fresh. Gods forbid that the poor capitalists would see us for the dirty kids we are. They might faint.

On my bed my mother's old blue summer dress is waiting for me. I got a cold chill all over my body when I see it. It is connected with so many horrible memories. I at first don't want to put it on, but mom looks so hopeful that I eventually do. The fabric is soft but feels like hot lava on me. I want to rip it off but manage to stop myself. I know how precious her childhood clothes are to her.

"You look like a lady Katniss." My mother says in a soft voice. She almost looks proud as she studies me. I swallow hard. The words hard to process and only nod in reply.

"Let's put your hair up, too," she says, this with more life in her voice. I smile a stiff smile. The thought of her hands on me make me sick. I bite my tongue and sit down on the kitchen chair and allow her to towel-dry it and braid it up on my head. It occurs to me as my mother works on my hair that I hold my tongue a lot. I'm so afraid of saying something or doing something odd or wrong that I have become a very silent being since I traveled back. It almost frightens me more than the horrors to come.

I remember how scared my mother was when I was very young, when I always spoke my mind and voiced my opinions without care. Like then I have now learned to keep my thought private. In fact they are so private that no one but me even suspects some of the things I think about.

It occurs to me how dangerous that is. After all if you are surrounded by people and loved once and you have no one to talk to than you are truly a lonely creature. The pain in my heart that comes as I think about this is beyond painful. I feel hollowed out and abandoned. There is no one here to understand my situation. I am truly alone.

Before I could seek comfort in Prim, but now I realize that I can't even be open with her. There is no one.

Chapter 9

By the time my mother is done and shows me the result I have managed to collect myself somewhat. I was lucky that she end Prim had started up a light conversation before the depression hit me. I have them a lot. It is hard not to when you have so many things weighing you down. It's a miracle that I haven't gone insane yet.

The ones that keep me from giving in to my depressions is Peeta and Prim. Peeta for he was there the first time I broke down and was suffering from the war and Prim now for her mere presence. The fact that she is alive is helping a lot and the fact that Peeta is well and safe helps to. It is the many dead faces I see when I walk about the Seam that brings me down and make me despair for the future. The interactions with mother and Gale, the memories from how we were to what we are. The very life we live. It is hard to stay up and positive about anything.

It is Prims hushed voice that brings my eyes up so that I can look at myself in our cracked mirror. She thinks me beautiful and I have to agree. My mother intrigue braid and the bath has brought out my youthfulness and I look nothing like myself. I give Prim a smile and she tries to give one back. But I know that this day is the hardest one for her.

It is Prims first reaping and I know what she fears the most, that her name will be chosen. The first time around I hardly thought about it, there was no chance in my mind that Prim would have been chosen, me or the other older siblings in the Seam was at much higher risk. Prim had no extra entries and I had once foolishly thought that she would make it through the reaping unscratched. Know I knew better and I was as scared as her, the difference though is that I have learned to work with my fear. I had to, even before the first Hunger Game. With father's death I was the one that had to get food. I have never been as scared as I was at that time, the sneaking and being in the woods all alone without my dad. I have never felt such fears in my life, believe it or not.

The Games was one fear, but that was towards other humans behavior and those I can handle. Then there was the fame that fear was more towards what repercussion my acts could bring, so again not the same. When Peeta was taken and tortured, that was a close call. Not knowing what was happening and not able to do anything. But the unknown of the forest; the darkness and the sound from the animals brought forward a fear that was unimaginable for a small child, if not for my sisters starving face I would never had dared to re-enter the forest after my father's death. I still sometimes have nightmare from that time and sometimes they are even more terrifying than the ones from the war and the Games.

I will protect Prim with everything I got, but I can't protect her from being pick today. I have done my best but I can't help to feel anguish when she's in pain. It wells up in my chest and threatens to register on my face. I used the same distraction as I once did.

I take hold of her blouse endings that are sticking out from her back and smile at her.

"Tuck your tail in, little duck," I say. It brings an irritating frown to her face, she has probably already done so at least three times already and she hurries to do it again. When she is done she looks back at me and huffs and says in her light voice;

"Quack."

"Quack yourself," I say with a light laugh.

It's a laugh that has only ever been Prims doing, not even Peeta could bring it out.

We usually eat before the reaping but I can't bear to eat anything and instead ask my family if we can go to the hill before the meadow and just spend time together. Prim smiles at this so mother agrees. We don't pack any food, but Prim does bring some of the strawberries I picked that we can snack on. We spend the rest of our time together under the pale sun and just soak in each other's presence. Buttercup joins us briefly and I take pleasure in Prims petting of him. If I have to leave today I will know that he will look after her. I trust that cat more than I trust Gale to do the job well.

When it is time for us to go I hug my mother briefly and are stiff the entire time. She is surprised but lets it go. I hug Prim to me to and kiss her on her forehead. We walk in silence the last few minutes, briefly stopping by Gale's house to join with him and his family.

At one o'clock, we arrive to the square. Attendance is mandatory so the entire population of the Seam and the town is here today, the only place somewhat open is the area before us is the square but it is being filled rapidly.

…

It is still odd for me to stand here, with somewhat eight thousand people that makes out the district. The streets are full with adults and old people whilst the square is filled to the brim with the youngsters. Every child from the age 12 to 18 is here today, herded together like pigs for slaughter. Standing in the middle of the square and awaiting their doom.

The reaping has always been hold in the square, it is where the nicest shop is and the cleanest place in all of district 12. It could be a pleasant place, but the bright banners and cameras that is focused on us only brings home to everyone here that soon we will send two children away to slaughter.

One of them is very likely to be me and the other one is Peeta. I look for him in the crowed. I want to see him before the reaping starts. Suddenly that's very important. Is stand on my toes and look at every blond head I see, my hand rest lightly on my si9ster shoulders as we stand in the line for registration. I hardly feel when they prick me, my eyes is focused on finding Peeta.

Just before I and Prim are forced to split up, she has to go into the younger group and I the older one, I see him. When the guards are not looking I split from Gale too and sprint with soft steps over to Peeta. He is just about to go into the boy's side of the fence but I manage to grab his arm. He is surprised and I am suddenly horrified. I have nothing to say but it was very important for me to touch him once before the game starts.

The other boys move around us, hiding us from the guards unintentionally. We will have a few minutes at the most before the crowd thins out and they spot me here.

I look at him, his blue eyes swallowing me up. I can remember all the happy times we shared together but I know that he doesn't know me. It hurts, it hurts so bad that I have a hard time breathing. I know we only have minutes to spare before it's too late but I can't bring myself to say anything to him.

He should be shocked, a stranger has grabbed him, but instead of breaking free he turns towards me and takes a step closer. My nose is filled with the smell of him and tears comes to my eyes. It's Peeta that I'm touching and I don't want to stop. This is my husband, the boy that will grow to become my hope in life. I have feared this moment for an entire year and still here I stand now, seeking him out of shellfish need.

He surprise me suddenly by hugging me close. I am stiff in his arms. Now I'm the shocked one. I can feel his breath close to my left ear and I close my eyes in bliss. It feels so right to be here, but I can't allow myself to relax. I have to get back to my side before anyone sees. He pulls my braid softly and I can hear a soft laughter escaping him. He takes a step back and let's go of me.

"May the luck be with you Katniss." He says before he turns away and disappears into the boy's corner. I lose him quickly and I almost starts crying. I was the one that was supposed to talk, not him. But as always Peeta beats me to the punch, I shouldn't be surprised by that.

Gale is suddenly besides me. Eyeing me with concern, he must have seen that I'm upset. He has most likely been looking for me and be the looks of it he didn't see my interaction with Peeta. His shoulder would have been stiffer. Gale never like when I talk to other men, not that I had ever noticed that the first time around. I can hear him trying to talk to me, but all I can give him is a stiff smile a quick squeeze of a hand and then I'm gone. I hurry back to my corner in the back with the other girls. I see Prim looking for me and wave. I will be keeping a close eye on her from this moment on, it is only half an hour before the reaping starts and I hope that my many prayers has been heard.

…

As the half hour passes the space gets tighter, more claustrophobic as people arrive. The square's quite large, but not enough to hold District 12's population. That's why the streets has been decorated with thousands of small screen by the state so that everyone can follow the reaping even though they can't be at the square. Everyone's face is on the temporary stage in front of the justice building. It's a cold stage built to appear like fine white granite and holds three chairs, a podium, and two large glass balls, one for the boys and one for the girls.

I hate those glass balls, one of them holds a small piece of paper with my sister's name on it and I want nothing more than to rush up there and throw that crystal ball into the ground and tear every bit of paper to shreds.

I sometimes wonder if I am as insane as I imagine myself to be. The roller-coaster ride of emotion that I have; one moment I'm filled with anger and the next I'm almost in tears and seconds after that I'm a hollow shell. Most days I am exhausted because of all the stormy emotions I have to hide away, I sometime don't even have time to reach the bed before falling asleep.

My thought are interrupted as the Mayor and Haymitch walks up on the stage. Haymitch looks as drunk as ever and I have to swallow my laughter. I have almost forgotten how hopeless he is at formal functions, even the once like this. He will be unreachable before nightfall, leaving the poor tributes to fend for themselves. He is going to be my biggest problem if I have to take my sisters place again. He is without hope and even my bad temper was never enough to get him completely sober.

After the Mayor and Haymitch comes the capitals favorite pink escort; Effie Trinket. Dress in one of her many pink wigs, with a scary white grin, and spring green suit. Just before the clock strikes two the mayor and Effie has managed to get Haymitch seated. The man making an absolute fool of himself by singing and dancing around the two of them. It makes me remember why I love Haymitch like a demented uncle, he can always make me grin.

With Haymitch seated the mayor begins his traditional speech and I quickly lose interest. I focus my eyes on Prims back instead and see that her shirt has slipped up again in the back, making her look like a duck. I love my sister and I hope that she never has to re-live the life we once lived. It would be too cruel on her, she is only a small child and deserves a chance at life.

After the mayor has stopped talking about the dark day, of the former America and the uprising of the districts that lead to the destruction of district 13 he plows on to the upbringing of the Hunger games. He is talking like it is nothing we don't already know. But I know for a fact that district 13 is still alive and well. They are simply waiting for the other districts to get desperate and angry enough to do their fighting for them once again so that they then can finish the capitol off with their weapons at the end and gain all the glory. I sometimes imagine a Hunger Game with President Snow and Coin and their politicians as the tributes. I think I would like such a game.

The Hunger Games in itself was never a complicated game. It was quite easy actually if brutal, I think that's why it was so effective for so long. It was the former president of Panem that design the Games as a punishment for the districts uprising. He made it so that the districts every year had to provide one girl and one boy, the so called tributes, to participate. The twenty-four tributes would then be dropped down on a hidden arena that could hold anything from a burning desert to a frozen wasteland. Over a period of several weeks, the competitors has to fight to the death. The last tribute standing wins.

This tactic has won the capital over 73 years of obedience from the districts. To be forced to watch your children be slaughter and killed for the capitals amusement has become the Capitol's way of reminding us how totally we are at their mercy. How little chance we would stand of surviving another rebellion since none of the districts has any weaponry. So every year we send twenty-four to their death and one returns alive with treasures and food for their district.

But as Finnick once told us, no tribute is ever safe. Their entire lives belong to the capitol the moment they are chosen and every tribute can be sold off to the higher bidder by President Snow. That is what would have awaited my sister if I had not spoken up the first time around and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

Finally the mayor is done with his speech and begins on the death list: it's a list of all the former tributes that has been chosen. Only two of those has ever returned, one is dead and the other is Haymitch Abernathy.

He is not much to the world. A drunk man in his middle-age, with dirty blond hair and with a starved body built. He has a drunk's stomach and appears to everyone as a joke. He never is serious when out in public but I know that a clever mind hides behind all that booze, it just takes a lot to bring it out. As the mayor introduces him he stands up and attacks Effie Trinket with a big hug and a wet kiss. She is clearly disgusted by it and pushes him down into a chair violently before she takes out a small mirror and checks her appearance.

I meet Gale's eyes and we both send the other a small smirk. We both think the same thing in this moment and I know he has to bite his tongue as much as me so that we won't start laughing. It is even more fun when you look at the distressed state of the mayor, he know as well as we that everything is being televised and that everyone in Panem now sees us as the joke of the bunch. I am almost glad of that, I am much rather a joke than a figure of admiration, I am well acquainted with that burdened and would like to avoid it this time around.

With the mayors part done and her make up saved it is time for Effie to do her part. Bright and bubbly as ever, Effie Trinket trots to the podium and gives her signature, "Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor!" Her pink hair swallowing most of her face, leaving one of the impression of a devoured fish. Big black eyes and pale lips surrounded by pink hair and pink cheeks. How she can stand that much make up I will never understand, I hate the stuff. She plays her part well even if everyone knows that she is desperate to be bumped up to a finer district.

During her speech I and Gale lock eyes several time, every time with laughter in our eyes. It almost feels like old times even if the event that brings it on is such a horrid one. I know that he is as scared as I am, he has more names in that ball of glass then me and he is the sole provider in his family. Since his father died he has been the one to get foods on the table, his mother tries her part but it is not enough to feed four kids. But I know that Gale is as determinant as I am to not allow our siblings to put any more names in that year so we will bare it for their sakes. No matter how scared it makes us. I can see that he is thinking about it too and before he can turns away a mime to him what I thought the first time around;

"….But there are still thousands of slips, you will make it…" I don't think he understood me but he looks a little bit more at ease and for the rest of the reaping he is turned away from me and I leave him be.

…

Suddenly we have come to the part I have feared the most ever since I woke up in this time. It is time for the reaping to start. Effie Trinket starts it the same way as she always has done:

"Ladies first!" she exclaims and happily trip towards the glass ball with the girls' names that is towards the left side of her. She reaches in, digs her hand deep into the ball, and pulls out a slip of paper. The crowd draws in a collective breath and then you can hear a pin drop. I want to kill her at that moment as she takes the note into her hands. I want to scream, shout and claw her to pieces. That piece of paper is very likely to be my sister and there is this pink thing ready to condemn her to death. I can feel my pulse increasing and I suddenly hear a ringing in my ears and my vision is turning red and black.

I am on my way to black out, a terror greater than anything else stops me. If I faint no one can save Prim. I force myself back to the present and to my horror I suddenly realize that Effie has already said a name and I missed which one. I look around for Prim. Is it her? Is she safe? Have they taken her yet?

The entire square is silent and no one is moving. I can't figure out if they said my sister's name or not. I am stuck in a moment of immobility. I need something to jump start me, I have frozen. I don't know what is happening. I need help. Someone wake me up, I have frozen solid.

I need to save Prim.

Chapter 10

I have no air in my lungs and my hand are shaking. It feels like I am drowning and there is nothing that can save me. I hate myself. I can't make myself act. I see how slowly people around me starts moving. It like time has started again but slower this time, but I am still stuck. I am unable to breathe, to speak, totally frozen as I wait for the girl chosen to move. Is it Prim?

Suddenly someone is gripping my arm hard, brutal and suddenly I am free. Time is moving normally again and I look at my savior. It is Madge. She has come up to me and her eyes is filled with tears. I almost shout with joy for I stupidly think for a second that it is she that has been chosen and not Prim. But she has pity in her eyes for me and then her eyes leave mine and luck onto Prims back.

Oh no.

Please no, not again. It already happen once, please let it not be her. Let it be a mistake. This can't be happening again. Prim was one slip of paper in thousands! She had a chance to make it; me being back should have made some impact surely?! Hadn't I done everything to protect her? Prayed to every false god/gods there is? What do I have to do to make her safe? Taken

I should scream stop. That I volunteer but I am still stuck, Madge grip on my arm holding me up and present. I know it is Prim, but I will and cannot act until I am curtain. I can't make myself go through it again if it is not her. Not for anything. I hear through the cotton in my head how the crowd murmurs unhappily, as they always do when a twelve-year-old gets chosen because no one thinks this is fair.

I close my eyes hard. I can feel it in my bone that it is her. When I force my eyes open again they lock with my sisters. Prims face is drained from blood, her hands clenched in fists and she is in shock. But she is moving, she is moving away from me and towards the peacekeepers. They are making their way towards her to lead her to the podium.

What brings me back is the lost look in her eyes. The silent cry for help. I find my voice again and I can finally move my body. I rip my arm from Madge grip and start moving. I have no calms about pushing the people before me out of my way. There is no way I am allowing the capitol to take my sister. I kill them all before that happens.

"Prim!" I cry out, my throat thick with emotion making my first cry hard to hear. I cry again and people are finally starting to move out of the way. I am briefly thankful for this because it will make the cameras and the mayor see me. I need to be seen if I aim to volunteer. I keep on screaming my sister name as I move forward. I soon have a clear path to the podium and are only steps away from reaching her.

I reach her just as she is about to mount the steps, she never once turn around no matter how much I screamed. She must be terrified inside not to run to me. With one sweep of my arm, I push her behind me. Not even bothering to look at her. The peacekeepers is close behind and in front of me. A wrong movement and they will kill me. I make sure to have a firm grip on Prim before I shout up towards the podium;

"I volunteer!" I roar. "I volunteer as tribute!"

There. I said it once again. The Game is on but this time I will find a way to ensure Prims safety. Even if I have to sleep with the fiend himself.

At my declaration the peacekeepers backed away, now it is in the hands of the mayor so they will stand back and wait. For the time being. There's some confusion on the stage at first. I am well aware that it has been a long time since anyone else from our district volunteered. The mayor is unsure what actions to take. I calmly wait below the podium, my sister behind me safe and sound, for the mayor's verdict. I can feel Prim shaking underneath my grip.

I hope she can stay calm for a bit longer. If she acts up now the peacekeeper may harm her.

I suddenly think about Cato as I stand before the committee. Other district see the reaping as an honor, a way to test once strength. Cato was such a being. His district has have to most volunteers whilst my district and district 11 has had the fewest. I think it has to do with the food. A district that is not used to starvation is probably more likely to accept some of the profits of the Hunger Games, whilst we poorer districts are so used to famine that we value life over anything else.

Here a tribute is seen as a walking corpse from the moment of choosing. We have the highest deaths in the Game and are seen as the bottom scrape. I ignore Effie as she struts around like a chicken and keep my focus on the mayor. He is in a silent conversation with Haymitch and it takes what feels like forever before he speaks.

"Let her come forward. What does it matter if the other tribute should be introduced?" The mayor says, thus silencing Effie. He is looking at me with a pained expression, he knows that I am the closest thing of a friend his daughter has. He would hardly recognize me otherwise, but we are both grateful I realize that a twelve year old won't be send to the Games. He hates the Games as much as the rest of us, he just hides it better I gather.

At the mayor's words Prim starts screaming. She doesn't want to be saved by sacrificing me. I know this both I would never have let her walk up those stairs. Not when only death is waiting for her.

"No, Katniss! No! You can't go!" My sister is crying and clinging to me. I see the Peacekeepers getting impatient, they don't like too much noise at this thing. They might lead to a riot.

"Prim, let go," I say harshly. I need her to let go before she get herself in more trouble. I can feel tears in my eyes as well and I will not cry, no matter how much it pains me to see my sister in such a state. As I struggle to make her let go Gale finally arrive. He calmly pull her off me and lifts her of the ground. She's thrashing in his arms, trying to get loose but he has her. I love him at that moment. I know he will keep her safe and bring her to our mother. I have never been as grateful for his existent as I am then.

I have forgotten how much I needed him in my life to protect Prim. But as he holds her and looks at me with tears in his eyes I realize that he is my rock when it comes to keeping Prim safe.

"Up you go, Catnip," he says in a hushed tone, his voice a bit unsteady- I nod and then I watch him carry Prim off toward my mother. I can see her pale face in the crowd but I don't acknowledge her. I don't have time for this. I turn around and look at the steps before me. They will lead me up to a path that will bring me nothing but pain and horror but I must climb them. I steel myself and take the first step. As I climb Effie starts gushing noises and I do my best to listen to her even though her voice grates my nerves.

"Well, bravo! That's the spirit of the Games!" She's exclaims, clearly pleased to finally have a district with a little action going on in it. "What's your name?" she ask me as I step up on the podium and turn towards the crowd.

"Katniss Everdeen," I say after a moment. I have to stop myself before I say the following words that I have become so used to – _the girl on fire_. That will come later.

Effie continue her merry quacking and I nod appropriately at the right moments. I just keep staring out over the crown and see the many dead faces of district 12. I want to puke, because even if they all think of me as dead I can see their smoking bodies before my eyes and it hurts having to look at them. They are my people and I realize how utterly hopeless our future are. I remember Gales words, how only 900 people made it out of eight thousand.

And it all comes down as me being the catalyst. I stand here before them and I have no clue how to save myself and them. I feel utterly worthless.

As Effie Trinket asks of the people to give me a round of applause I once again find myself filled with wonderment. Not a single soul claps their hands. Not even the betters. I can feel my back stiffen and my poster becoming straighter. I will struggle on I decide at that moment. I will struggle on as a miner from district 12 and I will adapt to the world around me as all miners learn to do in order to survive.

I am Katniss Everdeen, and I will not go down without a fight. I am almost tempted to smile at my district silent show of rebellion. Their silence is a message of disagreement. That they don't approve. It is the boldest thing they have ever done before and I love them for it.

What happens next is a clear shock for the committee, even Haymitch sits up and pays attention. The district goes a step further then a silent protest. It starts with a single miner. He stands in the back of the crowd amongst the parents. He raises his left hand towards his face and kisses his three middle fingers holds it out to me. It is an old and rarely used gesture of our district, occasionally seen at funerals. It means thanks, it means admiration, it means good-bye to someone you love.

But soon there is more and within a minute the entire district starts to show me their respect and love in return. I allow one tear to fall at this and kisses my own finger in a salute to them. A way to say thank you, take care, be safe and good-bye.

And just as the moment is at its peak Haymitch ruins it. He staggers across the stage and throws his arms around me. He drags me before the podium and shout out to the world as I struggle to be freed;

"Look at her. Look at this one! I like her!" I have forgotten how strong Haymitch is, and how bad he smells.

"Lots of . . . spunk." He slurs as he kisses my cheek. I am utterly disgusted. He then let's go of me and points with his meaty hand towards the camera and starts taunting the audience. But before he can doom himself to a curtain death he falls away from the podium and of the stage. Knocking himself unconscious. The peacekeeper leave him be and I hardly can bring myself to care. I instead take the time to compose myself as the camera leaves me and focuses on Haymitch.

Effie is quick to move on before something else can happen and the next part of the reaping starts. It is time for the boys. I wonder who it will be?!

"What an exciting day!" she trills. Taking her place behind the podium once again.

"But more excitement to come! It's time to choose our boy tribute!" without a pause she hurries away toward the boys ball and plums her hand down and fish up a piece of paper. I find Peeta in the crowd before me. He looks so pale and small where he stands surrounded by his age group. He has no clue what hell Effie is about to plunge him into. Effie has already open the note as she returns to the podium and happily reads the name out loud to her public.

"Peeta Mellark."

…

As Effie Trinket read his name and I watch him every happy moment we have ever shared in life flashes before my eyes. I for one second hope desperately for someone to volunteer but I know that no one will.

He is too kind for this Game. To innocent. To Light. But still I know that from this moment on he and I will be united until the end. The only thing that strikes me by that thought is that I hope he loves me as much as he once said, otherwise he's going to have a shitty time.

I watch him as he makes his way toward the stage. He almost gets lost amongst the other boys, his medium height and stocky build making him look short amongst the other dark haired boys. What makes it easy to find him is his rare ashy blond hair that falls in waves over his forehead and his clear blue eyes amongst the sea of brown ones.

He is clearly on shock for he moves forward stiffly and he is pale. You can see his struggle to remain emotionless, but he is clearly alarmed by this outcome. He once told me that he thought the worst part had already happen for he was going to have to see me die, but when his own name was said he almost blacked out for the thought of killing me was incomprehensible for him.

He climbs the stair calm and steady and I can feel my chest swelling with pride. He is so scared but he will not bow down and allow anyone to see his anguish. He make me so proud of him in that moment, for I know what a sweet and kind person he is. It almost make me hate his brother for not protesting, one of them might be too old but this is their baby brother that is walking to his death and some kind of protest should be voiced. But the public is silent and I can't find anyone that is making a fuss.

Even though I hate it this is standard. Family devotion only goes so far for most people on reaping day. What I did was the radical thing, a thing that will be remembered as people walk home today and sit before their meager dinner. But Peeta will be forgotten, because no one is making a sound about him, he is falling between the cracks. I know realize why he struggled so hard to make Haymitch take an interest in us. Apart we would have had no sponsors, but together and with Haymitch help we became the unstoppable team that prevailed. That became the favorites of the capital and not another two tributes that died so young.

As Peeta get introduce and Effie prattles on I try my hardest to not break. All of this is so much harder than I ever imagine. I thought since I already done it once that I would be able to handle it, but two seconds later and I feel completely lost. I can't even turn to Peeta for comfort since at this moment in time we are not even friends. Not even neighbors. We don't speak. Our only real interaction was around the bread that saved me and Prim from deaths door. The loaf of bread that gave me hope, courage and strength to live a little longer. A debt that I still have failed to repay. Even though my Peeta would have said that I repaid him with to beautiful kids and a happy home I still argue that the debt is far from settled. After all he has given me the world and I him only pain, after all he even got hurt handing me the bread that started our love for each other. I owe him so much.

But I can't think about that at a time like this, when so much is happening and every step I take will be watched and everything I say will be judged. My only comfort is that any weird behavior in my part is likely to be associated with stress. After all I am hardly the first one to break under pressure.

The reaping has reached it end.

It is time for I and Peeta to make the customary hand shake for good luck and retreat behind closed doors. I have to force my hand not to shake as I turn to him and reach out my hand. His blue eyes lock onto mine and I have a hard time not kissing him. His hand is warm, it reminds me of all the warm meals he made for our family and the times he hold me in his arms and made me feel safe. I almost smile at him but stop before I can. It would seem weird.

He gives my hand a squeeze before letting go and we turn towards the crowed once again and listen as the anthem of Panem plays. We are both stoic and unmoving. This is the last time we are expected to see our homes. My fear is that this time Peeta will really die, because it took so many days before we made a pack in the arena and struggled together to survive. In that time he almost froze to death, was killed by Cato and succumbed to a high fever.

I come to grasp as the final tune of the anthem plays that I will have a harder time helping Peeta live then surviving myself. But I guess that is true in reverse. He can the political game much better then I, whilst I can survive in the wilderness better than anyone else I am horrid in a social setting.

Chapter 11

The moment the anthem stopped playing and the camera went dark we were taken into custody. A group of Peacekeepers marches us through the front door of the Justice Building and into separate rooms. There we would be allowed to say goodbye to our families. It will be an agonizing hour that I much rather avoid. I am going to break if Prim is as hysteric as she was out there. In here I won't have to be strong, there is no cameras judging me, but there will be later as we borde the train. I can't allow my face to be red. I will not break my composure that I have presented so far.

As my mother and sister enters Prim hurries over to me as I stand before the barred window. She hugs me tightly and I her. We don't speak for several moments, just hold each other. I tell them what they need to remember, and I force Prim to promise me to accompany Gale in the forest. If I fail in the Games she must be able to gather food. Gale will soon start working in the mines and he won't be able to gather as much food that is needed for our families.

I tell Prim in short words how to find the best berries, where clean water can be collected and fish captured. I tell her about the sap and resin and how to collect it. I make her promise me to keep silent, even if a child is starving. She hates it but gives her word. I know she will break it.

I tell her everything I can think of and then some. All so that she won't have to take a tesserae. Without me there they have a chance of making it with the little we have, at least for this year. My year's tesserae is at home and untouched, it will help them a bit if I actually die this time. I tell them about the agreement I and Gale had made a long time ago but that prim must help him now, he is not that good of a hunter and he need back up in finding the right herbs and greens. I have thought her as father taught me, she can do this I tell her. I know she can. She has no other choice, the goat helps her a lot but it will not be enough. Not for the winter that is coming.

She nods and agrees. But I can see how upset I am making her. She doesn't want me to die.

When I am done with instructing Prim about fuel, and trading, and staying in school, I turn to my mother. I grip her arms hard and I look her in the eyes. My part in keeping Prim alive starts here and I need her to do her part. She is alarmed by the look I give her. I am not an innocent child right now, I am the girl on fire and she will adhere to me.

"Listen to me." I demand with a dark voice. Her eyes get big but I plow on.

"You can't leave again," I say with a dark intensity. She break eye contact at this, she is ashamed but I don't have time to be kind. I ignore her stutters and reassurance and grip her harder. She moans in pain.

"You can't leave Prim on her own. If it gets to hard… if I die… Whatever you see on the screen. You have to promise me you'll fight through it!" My voice has risen. I am scared, she managed the first time and so far everything is as it once was but I can't rely on it. Everything can change as the kanoon rings. I almost died in the first few minutes once and I need her to be present for Prim if I succumb this time around.

She break my hold on her and says she will make it, that she has medicine. I ignore it, I can't rely on that. Not with Prim on the line. After some arguing back and forth I finally feel as I have reach her and that she is listening. Prim then break us up and takes hold of my hands. She holds them to her chest and I can feel how hard her heart is beating.

"I'll be alright, Katniss," says Prim. "I only need you to fight. Try to win and come home to us again. We will make it but you must promise me that you will fight."

The chance of me triumphing once again are slim. The other tributes are trained from infancy to win. I might know of them and what they can do, but that is no guarantee. My safest bet is to do what I once did. Move out of the playing field and wait for the numbers to go down. It is my safest bet even if it is a horrid one.

We continue talking and try to move beyond the darkest of the moment. I hold prim close to me and grasp one of my mother hands. We are family even if we are a broken one and this might be our last few moment tighter. I hope not but I have to be honest to myself about my chances.

The peacekeeper soon come to take them away from me and before Prim goes she begs me to really try to survive. That she wants her sister to come home. I promise to try my hardest but as Prim leaves I think about small little Rue, only twelve years old and stuck in the Game together with twenty-three other who wants her dead. Prim is right, it is not fair.

I make sure that Prim hear my last words. I shout loudly to her that I love her and for her to be safe. It is important to me that she carries those words in her heart just in case.

The rest of the visit goes the same as before. The baker comes in and hardly says anything, but I am warm towards him, this must be hard to him coming to the girl that, to him, will be gunning for his son in a short few days. He promise once again to look after Prim and I smile at him in thanks.

After the baker come Madge, to this day I am still surprised by this. Our conversation goes the same but this time I think a bit more about the pin she gives me and what it stands for. I am surprised how much it takes of me to accept the pin, it is beautiful but represents the future that awaits me. It is that pin that earned me the name mocking jay. It is a powerful symbol and I am not sure I should wear it, but I take it from her at her insistence and decides to make up my mind later.

I reluctantly give her a weak promise to wear it later but I'm not sure that I will. When Madge leaves I look at the pin I am holding. It is plain gold formed into a bird in half-flight surrounded by a ring. No one has ever explained how this little token could become so powerful but then again I never asked.

After Madge is Gale and our good bye to one another is harder than I remember. Much of my former anger and hurt towards him seems to have died today and it is hard to leave a friend behind in a world that is so grim. He will be alone know and fending for both our families. I know that he will manage it but I hurt that he has to. Gale deserves more than this. For the first time I truly respect how far he had come in the future and how much he brought the war to its head. Without him we would have many times stumbled in darkness alone.

What he did to me still hurts but I can finally see beyond that and see what others have seen. A strong man that help deliberate Panem. I might not have like the ruling that followed and the power district 13 gained but I should never have distant myself from Gale as I did. I will now leave him once again and we will never again be just Gale and Katniss, to rats from district 12.

Before Gale must leave he pulls me close and hugs me. I hug him back and wish I could walk out the door with him. But I can't. I instead listen closely as Gale gives me the same advice as he once gave before.

"Listen," he says in a hushed voice, his head buried in my hair. "Getting a knife should be pretty easy, but you've got to get your hands on a bow. That's your best chance."

I don't argue against this and only nods. I say I will try and we say our goodbyes. No one comes after Gale and I wait the remaining time alone in the cold room and try to bring forth energy and courage I don't possess. I think about Peeta and how alone he must be in the other room. I hope his family could stay longer than mine, for even if his mother is a bitch he deserve the time that remains with his brothers and father.

…

The peacekeepers come and collect me after some time and lead Peeta and me from the Justice building. We travel the short distance from the Justice building to the train station inside silver cars surrounded by guards. I sit next to Peeta and I see that he has been crying. His face is a bit swollen and his eyes are red, but I know that he doesn't want to hide the fact that he is upset since he want people to see that he is human. Peeta never played any tricks the first time, he only tried to make people of the capitol aware that we were living breathing beings that deserved to live as much as them. He didn't succeed at first, but I think it was because of his humanity that we both got out of the first Game alive. So I don't try to tell him or help him cover it up.

Peeta will go one as he decides, it is after all the best strategy either of us has had and it work for us well enough the first time around.

The station is swarming with reporters and cameras and I am thankful that I managed not to cry, I would have hate giving them the satisfaction. Peeta's red face becomes the focus point quickly and I can quite easily slip on board the train. I only have to pose for a few minutes whilst Peeta is out there longer. The doors close mercifully behind us at long last and we are once again safe from the media. The train begins to move at once.

Peeta is shocked by the speed of the train and I do something uncharacteristic, I take his hand and lead him towards the bedroom compartments. He follows without question. One of the servants show us our rooms and I am surprised of how beautiful they are. The tribute train is fancier than even the room in the Justice Building. I once was used to this kind of fancy, but after spending a year in the Seam I have grown unaccustomed with all the extravagance. Each chamber has a section bedroom, decorated in green a white with a connecting dressing area, and a private bathroom with hot and cold running water. I can't wait to get a shower, I haven't gotten a hot shower for so long.

Effie come up to us and insist that I and Peeta take a shower and to find some dissent clothes in the drawers. My simple clothes will be switch to big and expansive things and I already miss my old hunter jacket. I peel off my mother's blue dress and jump into the shower. The hot water feel invigorating and I relax under the spray. Afterwards I find a simple green sweater and a pair of khaki pants. The fabric feels amazing on my skin.

Before I leave the room I take up the golden Pin from Madge, the shower helped me decide and I will once again allow the pin to be a symbol of my person. If it will lead to another rebellion so be it, but I hardly believe that it will all be because of a small golden pin in the shape of a mockingbird.

I still smile every time I think about them. I always remember how I made Pollux smile as I sang for the mockingbirds down by the lake. He looked so happy at that moment, even after the horror that we saw. Pollux brother later explained to me that the bird symbolized freedom to Pollux and that he had loved their beauty and perseverance. They were an example of how little control the capitol really had over nature.

Their experiment with the mutations to win the war resulted in one species: the Jabber jay. A mutbird that was used to memorize and record people's conversations. When the bird was discovered they became useless and the capitol discarded them, but instead of dying out they mated with mockingbirds creating a whole new species that could replicate both bird whistles and human melodies. This species had later become my symbol and the symbol for the second rebellion – the Mockingjay.

To me the Mockingjay means so much more than a symbol. It is a memory of safer times, when my father lived. My father was particularly fond of mocking jays. When he sang in the forest they sang back and together they created amazing music. I can still hear his voice as I close my eyes. As the mocking jays I also always was quiet when my father sang. His voice was that beautiful, high and clear and so filled with life it made you want to laugh and cry at the same time. The mocking jay is like a piece of my father, protecting me and bringing me music. I reattached the on to my chest and go looking for food.

I walk through the narrow, rocking corridor into a dining room with polished paneled walls. I can remember my way without trouble and I know that Effie is most likely in their together with Peeta. As I enter I am hit by the smell of food. There's a table at the center of the room, made out of white-tinted glass and overflowed with food. Peeta sits by the chair closest to the window, the chair next to him is empty and I take it without a doubt.

"Oh Katniss! I was just coming to get you." Effie says brightly and comes over.

"Now the only one missing is Haymitch." She says and looks towards the door behind her. I and Peeta sleep in the compartments in the back of the trains while Haymitch and Effie has their in the front of the train. It is a clear declaration of the tributes place in the hierarchy.

"Last time I saw him, he said he was going to take a nap," says Peeta. He looks tired as well and I think we better go to bed after we have eaten some. We let Effie prattle on for a while whilst we eat our supper. It isn't pick what you will kind of dinner, but one that comes in courses.

The first course is a thick carrot soup with a green salad at the side. I can see that Peeta is as starved as I. He can hardly hold back from stuffing his face, but he manages it. I ignore Effie's reminder of the many courses to come and make sure to eat as much soup as I can get down, it will be kinder to my empty stomach then the other dishes. Peeta on the other hand seems to be listening and he slows down. I can imagine that he want to sink his teeth into the lamb chops and mashed potatoes, but even if he does get better food than I and more I know that too much at once will be bad for him. The last time I had to puke before I could even begin falling asleep, my stomach was at that time so unused to proper food.

"Peeta." I say quietly. He looks up at me. "I know that you are hungry, so am I, but if you eat all the heavy food you will be sick later. Our stomachs' not used to this. Eat the soup and some bread, but leave the rest."

He know I am right, but it is hard for him to stop himself. I can understand it. I too want to eat all the food to. The table is overstuffed with delicious dishes and I want to try them all. We eat in a companionable silence. Taking every bite of the soup and salad with care, trying to eat without upsetting our stomachs'.

"At least, you two have decent manners," Effie point out as we're finishing the soup. "The pair last year ate everything with their hands like a couple of savages. It completely upset my digestion."

I want to smack her and Peeta must have seen it for he grabs my leg underneath the table. The poor tributes from last year had not had a single day in their lives where they had not gone hungry. The food on this table must have been a shock to them. I remember being forced to watch them die in starvation last year and it still pains me. They had been so young and innocent. All they had ever wanted if warmth and food. I may have come to care for Effie in the future but I have forgotten how much I hated her early behavior.

I don't smack her to Peeta's relief but I do make a point of wiping my hands on the tablecloth. Peeta follows my lead and I watch in satisfaction how Effie once again is disgusted by our behavior. After dinner we are lead to the cinema room and soon we are watching the twelve reaping's on the screen. It follows as it once had and I recognize all of my competition. Nothing has changed and I am both sad and relieved by it. I know what to expect.

I recognize Cato even after so many years. He is as big and brutal looking as I remember him. Where I once was frozen in terror thinking of him I am now instead reminded of his pained face moment before his death. I had done that. Then there is the fox-girl, the starved children from district 8 and so on.

I almost cry as I see Rues face on the screen. I stop myself by, in the cover of darkness, gripping on to Peeta's white shirt. Once again he says nothing and I am thankful. Her dark brown skin and eyes fills the wall before us and I remember how innocent she had looked she died in my arms. My heart clinches when she stands on the stage and it is utter silence as no one volunteers. All you can hear is the wind whistling through the decrepit buildings around her. There's no one willing to take her place.

Last on the screen is us, Peeta and I. They show the whole thing. From Prims name being called to me entering the train. I look like a living spitfire. Ready to kill for my sister. I look meek at first, standing in the crowd pale and silent as my sister walks to her doom, but like a match has been struck I change on the screen into a warrior, I can see it and I realize the danger. President Snow will not like my fire, not one bit. I have to tone that down in the time to come.

They play over the bit of refusal to applaud by playing Haymitch epic tumble right after making everyone laugh. I wonder if the district know how much Haymitch has done to keep them safe, becoming the Panem clown for their sake. Afterwards the anthem is once again played me and Peeta sit in our chair and just look at the white screen before us. It feels surreal. Being turn once again into a capitol play thing, I hate it and I think Peeta is just about to get how screwed we are. Effie complains how bad Haymitch makes her look and I make appropriate noises at intervals but I can see Peeta trying to hold in laughter.

I remember how he once told Effie that this is how Haymitch has always been and what had she expected? A night in shiny armor? I also remember her reply; that Haymitch the drunkard were our lifeline and mentor. That without him we had no chance of making it one day in the arena. She was right about that. I have to find a way to make the man take an interest in us again. Not just me, but in Peeta to. After all I am just an empty puppet in the capital without Peeta as support. I couldn't even make a baby like me without him. It's true, even the kids back home avoid me if I am by myself.

We return to the restaurant and sit down by the table once again, Peeta and I are nibbling at some salty cracker as we let the time pass. A bit later Haymitch stagger in and makes a ruckus. As Effie goes to scold him he wonderfully pukes at her shoes. I decide that I like this times Haymitch, before he started messing with my life. But then he directs his drunken attention at us and promptly tell us to kiss our hide's goodbye for we are going to die.

I remember why we have such a hard time getting along now, even though we look at each other as family. Haymitch is a dick.

Peeta runs after Haymitch as he turns to leave, I let him waste his time on it. I have had enough for one evening. Ignoring Effie, which I had done all day long, I make my way to my room and get ready for bed. The bed feel wonderful as I lay down on it and I have no problem falling asleep, even after such a trying and horrible day. The smell of the baker's cookies surrounds me and I hope to have pleasant dreams tonight.

…

_I am walking in the forest. Everything is bright around me. I find my way over to the pond. The one where my father taught me how to swim and fish for bass._

_I am happy, it is as if my father was here with me. No worries in the world._

_I dive into the pond. Let it cold water surround me. It is good._

_As I surface I notice the petals on the water and I look around._

_All around me are tall plants with leaves like arrowheads. They remind me of something._

_I'm starting to get a bad feeling. The forest has gone to quiet and the dark._

_I swim towards the shore but it moves away from me._

_I feel weak and hungry. I feel tired and sick. I feel like I am dying._

_I then hear my father's voice._

"_Katniss." His voice echoes. "As long as you find yourself you will never starve."_

_One white petal touches me. I recognize it. It is a petal from a Katniss plant._

_I quickly swim over to the plants that is around me, they do not move._

_The hunger inside me is growing but I move forward unflinching._

_I have a purpose._

_I dive under and dig into the mud. I soon have a handful of roots in my hand and I pull._

_I will have food for tonight. The bluish tubers will be as good as potatoes in a stew._

_My mouth is salivating._

_I laugh._

_But as I turn around with my price a dark shadow looms over me._

_I look up._

_It's Cato, ready to take my life._

_I scream._

…

I wake up screaming in a dark room. I don't recognize it and I can't locate Prim. I panic. I throw myself of the bed and tear trough the room looking for her. I scream her name but she doesn't answer me.

Suddenly the door opens and a soft bluish light fills up the room. Someone is standing before it but it's too big to be Prim. I am ready to attack the intruder but stop when I hear his voice.

"Katniss are you alright?"

It is Peeta and before I can think I have crossed the room, thrown myself into his arms and are crying buckets and shouting that I can't find Prim. He lifts me up in his arms and holds me close. He brings me back to the bed and get us on it. Soon he and the bed surround me and I feel safe. He keeps mumbering soft nothings and after some time I have calmed down enough to realize where I am and what is going on. I am beet red from embarrassment and want nothing more than hide. But I have never been a coward and Peeta has just helped me calm down from a panic attack.

"Thank you." I say.

"A nightmare?" he asks and I only nod into his chest. He doesn't let go and neither do I. It feels good to be in Peeta's arms again. We sit like this for maybe an hour before he starts moving, just a little but I notice. I get up a bit and look into his face. He has tired circles under his eyes and I can see that his position is uncomfortable.

"Will you stay?" I ask him. He nod in reply. It is almost cute how nervous that question made him. I scoot away a bit and he make himself more comfortable. We soon lay next to each other, as close as we can get without touching. But I can't sleep and neither can he it seems. I am struck by an idea and I soon the room is filled by my soft humming and almost singing. It's a tone my father once used and I always remember falling asleep to it. Peeta is at first surprise but as I continue he slowly relaxes and eventually fall asleep.

He looks so peaceful next to me and I scoot the rest of the way and lay my head on his chest. I soon fall asleep to the sound of his beating heart.

Chapter 12

Early gray light is leaking through the curtains when I first come awake. I am groggy and not clear as to where I am. I feel two warm arms around my waist and remember Peeta comforting me after a nightmare. We have wrap ourselves around the other. Peeta's legs entangled with my own and his arms around my middle whilst mine is around his neck and arm. My head I buried in his soft hair and his is nestle in the crock of my neck and upper chest. It feel like coming home and I quickly fall asleep again.

Next time I woke is from Peeta moving away. I tighten my grip on him and he laugh quietly.

"I need to use the bathroom. Let go." He says.

"Hold it, just five more minutes." I mumble back and scoot closer. I can feel how deep laughed is building up in him, his chest is almost vibrating.

"Can't. Come on let go cattail." He says lightly and pulls on my braid.

That was a new nickname, one never before used. I feel myself almost liking it. I protest a few more second but then let him escape. The bed is immediate too cold to stay in and I to get up. While Peeta's in the bathroom I decide to air out the room and crack the big window up a bit. Not too much for the speed of the trains over 250 miles per minute and I don't fancy getting a crushed bird into my rooms. The wind is hard and refreshing and I close my eyes and enjoy the joy it gives me.

"I'm done." Peeta says, awkwardly standing in the doorway to the bedroom.

"I probably should head over to my room before Effie comes. Uh… is that ok?" he says.

I nod. He start to walk to the exit.

"Peeta!" he turns around. "Thank you." I say.

He smiles back at me and it feel like the sun has risen in my room. I almost want to touch to see if I get burned.

"Thanks yourself. I actually got a few hours' sleep this way."

"Yeah. I know what you mean." I say back.

He leaves and I use the bathroom to get ready for the day. It will be an utter nightmare. As I getting dressed I hear Effie Trinket's voice, calling me to rise. "Up, up, up! It's going to be a big, big, big day!" I roll my eyes. I wonder how that women can stand living being so cheerful this early.

Today I forgo the green sweater and instead chose a beige tank top, an almost see through shirt and brown pants. I forgoe shoes and go barefoot to the dining room. The pin is firmly attached to the shirt. My mother braid is still holding strong even if it is a bit looser today than yesterday. I am thankful for this because it bring me a small comfort wearing something of hers.

I wonder what Prim is doing just know? Without me there she is probably already at school and studying hard. She loves school. I have never understood the appeal of it, it just a bunch of brainless nonsense and capital propaganda. But it is mandatory until you are 17, after you turn seventeen you have one free year to find other employment before being forced down into the mines. The bottomless mines that have been long in use even before the dark war.

I had planned to ask Grease Sae for a job and go from there. I didn't want to work in the mines but I was terrible at cleaning clothes and taking care of sick people. I could do a mean stew though and had, from what I learn, green thumbs. Who knew huh!

I enter the dining room and find that the rest of the crew is there. I won't meet with Cinna until we get to the capitol and I am actually looking forward to it. I have missed him and it still pains me to think how he sacrificed his life for the cause. _I he does something that stupid again I will wring his neck._

I sit down next to Peeta and realize that the environment is somewhat relaxed. Effie is a bit frazzled but that is likely do to Haymitch smug grin. Haymitch looks better today, Peeta must have manage to impress him somewhat yesterday if he is somewhat sober.

I soon have my plate filled with food and I carefully break apart some bread and butter it. The table is once again filled with food and I am disgusted with how much we have whilst Prim is back home going hungry. Eggs, ham, piles of fried potatoes, fruit, juice, milk, cheese and so much more we get to choose amongst. I can feel my stomach growl for food so I swallow my disgust and take a bite of my bread. Peeta put a mug of chocolate in front of me and I thank him.

I have loved chocolate from the first moment I drank it and I take my time draining the cup. That hot, sweet, creamy liquid feels like a blessing and I sink into the chair as I drink it. I must look like a bag of rise to everyone for Haymitch and Peeta seem to be laughing at me and I let them. Too happy to care.

Even though I go soft on the heavy food I do make sure that both I and Peeta eat as much as we can manage. We need to build a fat reserve if we are going to last more than a day I tell him when I butter up a second piece of bread for him. He just laugh and bite into it with gusto.

Haymitch ignores us expertly but I can see how he study us from the corner of his eye. He want to see if we are worth the trouble of keeping alive. There is a lot that he has to sacrifice to gain us sponsor and for the first time I fear what exactly that entails. Finnick's voice echoing in my head as I think about it.

"_We were sold for the amusement of others. Refusal was punishable by death."_

Haymitch may be a drunk and I may detest his behavior, but it must have been near impossible for him to keep every years tributes alive for more than a day. We are underfed, weak and untrained. We have no survival skill, for we go in school our entire childhood. We learn nothing useful until we enter the mines and that is about coal. It must have been horrifying to go year after year seeing children die one at the time. No wonder he drinks, but I need him sharp and alert, so I need him to take interest in us. Which is easier said than done, I can't even remember what we did the first time.

I used to hate him for the low number of sponsor he would collect, that is until he told me how much hassle it was to gain the sponsors attention in the first place to court them. He never went into detail but when you take Finnick Odair into account as well as Johanna Mason and so on I got the picture.

I decide to just plow right into it as I drain the last of my chocolate.

"What advice will you give us then?" I say coldly to him. You can't be warm and soft with Haymitch. It will gain you shit.

"Stay alive." Is his dry reply.

"Thanks, will try. Anything else smart-shot." I drawl back.

Peeta is sitting stiff beside me. He doesn't like Haymitch nonchalance. It is his life on the line and he wants more than a clown to deal with. I want to tell him to relax and that I'm on it, but think better of it. Peeta is quite scary when he loses his temper. I bring my hand to my neck unconsciously as I remember his firm grip there after Gale rescued him.

"That's very funny," says Peeta stiffly. Suddenly faster than I can follow he lashes out at the glass in Haymitch's hand. It shatters on the floor, painting the floor and wall in red liquid. "Only not to us."

But I am quick enough to see Haymitch swinging his arm. I react instantly and drive the knife by my right hand into the table only a breath away from his long and ring finger. I almost wish I had shopped the finger of, but my action stops him in mid swing and Peeta is unhurt.

"Lay one finger on either of us and I will slit your throat. Mentor or no mentor." I say in a deadly voice and let go of the knife handle. I am lived with him. No one touches Peeta. Not a single soul. He has been through enough in my mind even if this younger version of him doesn't know it. I slowly sit back into my chair, not letting go of Haymitch eyes. If he move the wrong way I will take the ham-knife to my left and stab him in the eyes.

Haymitch blinks a couple of times, stares from us to the knife and back again. He eventually sits back in his chair and actually study us properly. He then start laughing and he don't stop, but I won't relax and when I see Peeta is about to I pinch him on the thigh. You don't turn your back on a tiger. No matter how housebroken.

Haymitch sees this and he smirks back at me.

"Well, well." He drawls dryly and crosses his arms. "I seem to have actually gained a couple of fighters this time."

Effie ruins the moment by exclaiming over the table, our manner sand everything else she can find a fault in. but I still won't let my eyes wander away from Haymitch. We are battling I realize for the higher position and for a brief second I can actually imagine myself winning, the second passes and I finally acknowledge his rank over me and allow myself to relax.

I may in spirit be in Haymitch age but he is light-year ahead of me in how the politics of the Game works. I am going to need him to lead even if it is hard. After all it is impossible to allow Haymitch all the playfield, he might disappear in a drunken stupor if you don't watch him. And I say that will utmost love.

…

After the knife incident Haymitch start questioning us, it is the same thing as last time: how good are you? Smart? Strong? Abilities and so on. He study us and examine, pointing out our strong point and our weak points. He quickly realize that I am the dangerous one even if Peeta is the stronger one. But he also sees by our interaction together how horrible I am at social interaction. I am good enough at parties, being coached by Peeta and Haymitch for over twenty years will make anyone good. But why go through the bother again if I can dump it on these two.

He complimented us on our looks, say that we have potential but need a good scrub. But he ask me if I know what a smile means. I stomp him on the foot for that one. He contains himself from hitting me, on Peeta that might look good but on me, not so much. A fact that I will use against him if I must. By the glare he gives me he gets that to.

Finally he is done and after circling us once again and making comment he finally stand before us and pass his judgment. I had no idea that Haymitch could be a drama queen, you learn something new every day.

"Listen up cupcakes. I am willing to make a deal with you.2 he says after clapping his hand together in front of my face. We shoot one another dark glares. It is true love I'm sure, it is the beginning of a horrid friendship.

"You don't interfere with my drinking, and I'll stay sober enough to help you," Haymitch goes on. Making a point of pouring up a glass of booze in front of us. "But you have to do exactly what I say."

I have to bite my tongue. I never have done as Haymitch has said. Not without arguing first. Peeta once told me that he and Johanna took bets who would win. Of course he betted on me. Safe to say that Johanna lost a lot of money over the years.

I am happy that we managed to once again spark Haymitch interest. Without him we would be dead and forgotten. Cinna played his part, sure, but Haymitch was the one that sold us to the public.

"Agreed," says Peeta. I only nod.

"When we arrive at the capitol do everything your stylist tells you, no matter how odd. They are your only bet of getting noticed." Haymitch explains. "You have got to give me something to work with so go with it and remember, flirt with the crowd, they are your strongest asset."

With those words he disappears off to his room, in his hands two bottles of booze. He will be drunk within an hour I realize. We are on our own for the rest of the time remaining and both Peeta and I spend most of it at the dinner table. Sitting silent next to each other, each one in their own thought. It is a good silence and I relax in it.

The light that has surrounded us begins to fade and I know that we soon will be entering the tunnel that will lead us to the capitol. The main city was built within the Rocky Mountains for its protection against the environment. A way for people to seek cover from the effects of the war. The mountains form a natural barrier and is almost impossible to enter from the east except through the tunnels. This geographical advantage is a fact that the capitol ha used shamelessly. It is almost impossible to get past the mountains tops without losing more than half your forces.

I turn to Peeta.

"We will soon arrive." I say. He nods. I get up and walk to the window. It will take some time but I know what will be at the end. He gets up and follows me. We stand close together and I draw comfort from it. I know that Peeta is by creed my enemy but it is hard to think of him as such when I have lived with him for twenty years. I have no fear of him betraying me which in this situation is dangerous.

I can't speak as openly to him as I want. Even in here there are ears. More so than in the Seam. There the ears where programmed after specific words and actions, if you were careful with your words you can go by unnoticed by the watchful eye. Here that was almost impossible, but I wanted to speak to Peeta so I step closer to him and put my arms around him. He reacts as I thought. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close. I wonder if it should scare me how quick we got this intimate.

My height isn't that different from his, he only have half a head on me so I can easily lean my head on his shoulders and place my mouth right next to his ear. I get as close as I dare and with a whisper of a breath I say;

"Divided we fall, together we stand tall." I then step away a bit and don't look at him. I don't know if he heard me or if he understood but I just have to wait and se.

It an old saying that my father once told me, he said that he learned it from a former tribute that had participated during the Game when he was young. Father had said that the child had refused to arm himself against the other and had calmly said into the cameras his last few words before dying. In the tributes wake there had been several riots where people had shouted those words. My grandfather had died in one of them, luckily without being found out by the peacekeepers, and my father had been left alone in the world until my mother came along.

Peeta says nothing and I can feel the train slowing down. We remain in front of the window and close to each other. I can feel his curiosity of seeing the capitol for the first time, I dead it. Suddenly we are out of the tunnel and for a short while we see the capitol in all her beauty. She is magnificent. Glistering buildings, clear blue water in the rivers and green landscape as far as the eyes can see. It is breathtaking. Shiny cars rolls down the wide paved roads, the oddly dressed people with bizarre hair and painted faces, who have never missed a meal, filling the streets. All the colors seem artificial and too over the top.

The train is moving so slow by now that we actually see the people that stare at us and pointing their finger towards the train. We are celebrities and everyone wants to welcome us. I have to swallow hard to prevent myself from puking. I have a hard time smiling and waving, but I don't move away. It's a silent defiance, a way to say ~you don't scare me~.

Peeta is as active as ever, smiling big and waving his hand. He flirts with the camera and tries to capture as many eyes as possible. He wants to be recognized. Standing so close together seems to please everyone on the platform for they scream even louder than I remember and the cameras goes off like mad.

"Someone is born to handle nutcases I see". I say through closed lips. Trying to not move a muscle.

Peeta turn to me and his eyes fills with laughter as he looks at me.

"And someone is born to flee from them." I huff at this and lightly smack his arm, making him start laughing. It is the last thing anyone sees before we disappear out of sight.

"Besides, one of the nutcases might be rich." He says as the train comes to a stop at the train station.

"Ah! Well… it is good that you have a plane at least. One question though:" I say. Putting my nose in the air. "How do you plan on finding the rich once? They all look the same."

He leers back at me and pulls gently on my braid.

"Easy. I just spot whose crazy enough to approach you and go from there." At this I break down and start laughing. He soon follows me and we don't seems to be able to stop.

I know that this boy wants to live, but by his own terms and that he looks at me as competition, but I am glad that despise that we can still find comfort in on another.

Chapter 13

I have forgotten how painful a makeover could be. I want to stop everything and calmly ask this people if they are stylish or torturers. Venia, sweat Venia is right now ripping every strand of hair from my body with the most horrid tool imaginable: the wax-paper. She is apologizing for every rip but I still don't know if I can forgive her. She might have become a friend of some sort in the future but right now I'm starting to remember why I was most afraid of her out of the three of them.

She might look ridiculous in blue hair, golden tattoos and flower-like eyelashes but she knows her trade. And it is a painful one. Flavius is the least scary of them, is such a softy that I am always scared that I will break him. He looks like a cupcake, his light dark skin clashes horribly with his orange corkscrew locks and purple lipstick. But he is quick with his hands and can do miracles with any hair. Octavia is the rude of the bunch, she always speak her mind and never think about her words. She is a plump woman whose entire body has been dyed a pale shade of pea green. Even her eyes have the color of green in them.

The worst torture though is the accent. I would take starvation right now if it would stop the horrid squeaky and silly Capitol accent. Ugh! These people can't talk. Their jaws barely open when they talk and they end their sentences with question marks. Odd vowels, clipped words, and always a hiss on the letter s. I have had to put up with the accent for the past three hours as the three of them prattle about over my head as they try to make me pretty.

During this time I have been scrubbed, pinched, vaxed and tortured. I am ready to scream but I bare it. I will soon see Cinna and all this would be worth it… I hope. When I am finally deemed clean by Venia they leave me alone, stripped down to my bare skin in a cold room. They are such idiots I think.

I touch my hair and feel the miracle of Flavius work. He had kept my mother's braid but made sure that it was properly set once again. As I stand there naked as a newborn I anxiously await Cinnas arrival. I don't have to wait long. He soon enters the door and I have to stop myself from running to him, he looks so Cinna-like. I don't speak as he circles me and studies my body. It's a comfortable silence and I relax despite of my nakedness.

"Hello Katniss, I am Cinna and I will take care of you." He says. I only nod in reply, my tongue feels heavy and swollen.

I study Cinna as he studies me. I always liked how normal Cinna appeared in looks, he never strived for the over the top fashion. He instead always had focused on the style of the person, it is how he made me so beautiful. He allowed his body and choice of clothes to reflect himself and not the other way around. The only thing he ever did that could be considered over the top were the use of the gold eyeliner, the rest was almost down right subtle.

We make light enquires to one and other and I try to not let it show how much I have missed him. But within minutes I get the feeling that Cinna is aware of my liking of him and he to relax more and more as we are in each other's Company. Our time together is soon that of old friends, we almost make jokes together but don't quite dare to go that far.

I am soon asked to get my robes on as Cinna want to take me to a sitting room close by. It is decorated in soft white walls and deep red furnishing. It is tasteful and a bit too much at the same time. Cinna ask me to sit and then presents a light meal.

"Haymitch said that you eat lightly, that to heavy food is not good for you?" Cinna inquires. "I hope that some chicken and light salad will be alright?"

"It is fine." I answer. "It's not that I don't want to eat heavy food, but my stomach is not yet used to it."

He nods at this and we begin eating our lunch. I eat without saying anything at first. It is as hard to converse with Cinna as it is with Peeta and Haymitch. There are so many happy memories that I have and they don't, it creates a distance between us that I don't want. When we have finished eating Cinna trains his eyes on me again.

"I thought there would be more hate and anger in your eyes Katniss, but instead I find sadness and longing." He says. It startles me, I had forgotten how good Cinna was at reading people.

"It's not entirely compatible with the costumes that I and my partner Portia have created. Portia being Peeta's stylist." He continues. "But we will manage I think."

I nod mutely. Not expecting that curveball.

"We want to dress you in similar clothes to show a bit of unity and reflection on your district. Isn't it true that miners work in teams down in the dark?" He asks me.

"Yes." I say with a stiff voice. "You will get killed if you work on your own in the mines, the place will swallow you whole for your idiocy."

Cinna nods with a soft smile.

"Who thought you that?" Cinna asks.

"My father." I say. "One of his team mates disappeared once because he got cocky, he wanted to work on his own for he thought he could find could easier that way." I hated that story as I was growing up, I remember how much father valued teamwork but I myself was never any good at it, not really.

"I see… well to get back on track; miner work in teams and they fear fire right?" Cinna continues awkwardly. I must have spooked him a little.

"No." I answer with a firm voice. "While it is true that many people think so the truth is much more different. Miners fear wildfire, yes but so does everyone." I begin saying. "However… every miner alive in district 12 now how to handle fire and heat. Down in the mines it is those with the knowledge knows where the danger is and how to tame it."

Cinna nods, he is now exited. I can take a guess as to why.

"Miner and fires go hand in hand, is that what you're telling me?"

"No Cinna, I am telling you that a miner only live past his first year if he has learned to handle fire. Made on self into its master." I say. The atmosphere a bit dark. "That is why no child of 12'e ever starts working the mines until after their seventeenth birthday. "

Cinna stares at me.

"So… no tribute from twelve, under the age of seventeen, has any knowledge about were the thing that distinguish twelve from the other districts?" he ask in a shaky voice.'

"None." I say deadpan. "That is why we die so quick, we sit at a school bench for about ten years of our life."

"…And you are…" he asks with fear in his voice.

"I am sixteen."

"…"

I can see that Cinna has a hard time swallowing this. He has never work the Games before, so he has no former knowledge than the capitals to go on. I almost feel sorry for him, I was already compassionate for our plight but this information must really hurt him.

"Don't let it trouble you Cinna." I Say. "Twelve has no problems with that structure. Not many people live long in the mines and we enjoy our childhood." I lie to him, trying to make him think of better things. He looks at me. I don't look away. Instead I smile at him and get up. I move over to the window that makes out one of the walls in the room. I look over the Capitol and marvel over its beauty. It is a fine city, no matter how much I at my core hate it.

"What will I and Peeta be dressed in?" I ask as I stand there overlooking the Capitol.

That brings Cinna back to basic and he starts talking passionately how different he wants to go this year. How he doesn't want to dress us I miner-outfit or in coal dust. I have to stop myself from snorting. I remember the cow outfit that was in the coming parade the first time around. I feel for the guys, the whole combine your tributes with their districts thing that the capitol loved really sucked. None of the costumes were ever really suited for the tributes, only the districts. Cinna thou will be changing that and I almost look forward to it. I will be beautiful.

"Well, the old stylist idea was an odd sort of miner outfit but that didn't work for me. You see, Portia and I think that coal miner thing's very overdone, no one sees the tributes and we want to make you two unforgettable," says Cinna.

"Tell me Katniss, how afraid of fire are you?" He sees my expression and grins.

…

Cinna has dressed me a black bodysuit, I have forgotten how tight it was. I like the boots though, they reminds me of hunter boots, also black and goes up to my tights. My head is decorated in an elaborate headpiece that is interlaced with my mother's braid. Flavious refused to destroy it. The one thing I am wrinkling my nose at is the cape Cinna holds up to me. I am sorely tempted to say no. It is hideous. The headpiece I could wear, its red and gold tones blending well with my black hair. But the cape just wasn't speaking to me. Cinna must have seen it for he quickly disregarded it.

"I can forgo the cape, but it will be a bit trickier to make the show pup. I have to work on that." Cinna mumbles to himself. I wisely keep my mouth shut. In his hand he is holding the spray that will light us on fire. I can see how much attention Peeta keeps on the spray can and I understand him. I know it will not harm us but I still am against lightning myself on fire, even for Cinna.

Peeta and I are standing on district twelves chariot. We have two black-grey horses in the front and the entire chariot is covered in coal-dust. I want to sneeze. Peeta looks like a prince as he stands up beside me. Portia has made him beautiful and he completes my look well.

He is dressed in a bodysuit like me and have boots that goes up to his knees. But while he does look good I find myself doubting how little skin he is showing. He is almost covered completely. I remember Portia telling me once that she later regretted not giving him lighter clothes, he would have benefited from showing the Capitol more skin. As I look at him I have to agree with her, he is magnificent but there is too little Peeta showing.

Portia sees the hesitant look Peeta give the can and smiles at him.

"It is fake Peeta." She says. ""You'll be perfectly safe," he says.

Peeta looks at her doubtful.

"Portia." I say and she looks at me with surprise. The other tributes and stylist never interact and I am doing something very odd right now.

"Y…yes Katniss." She asks.

"You made him beautiful but isn't there too little… I don't know… Peeta?" I ask in a soft almost shy voice. I don't want to anger her after all. She might refuse to continue working with Cinna if I do.

Cinna looks at up at me, shocked by my boldness. Portia is stunned to while Peeta is blushing lightly.

"What do you mean dear?" Portia inquires.

"He completes me fine." I say. "But I don't get much of Peeta through that costume." I continue. I bit more sure of myself this time. I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

"What about taking the overtop of and smear his chest in gold like dust and a bit of coal?" I say. "And put him in a royal-like cape with arms since Cinna forgoes mine?"

Portia seems to be thinking it over. She has little time we will shortly be starting the convoy. Cinna looks to his fellow stylist and they both withdrawn and are soon in a heated debate.

Peeta just looks to me.

"What was that?" he asks.

"I don't know?! It just felt like you weren't done." I say back. Giving him an awkward side glance.

He just looks at me for a few seconds and then focuses on Portia. She and Cinna seems to have reached an agreement. They hurry back to us, their hand full of clothes.

"Peeta get down." Portia orders. He obeys. She starts tearing his overtop up and he helps her. Soon she has him bare chested, but instead of dust painting on him she forced him into a netlike body shirt that is almost invisible, it is out of gold. Above this she takes black charcoal and dust over his side, highlighting his muscles. He looks divine. On his right shoulder she then places a heavy black cloak that she secures with a black and gold pin borsch underneath his left arm.

Portia finish up just as the guards collects us. It is time to begin. Cinna and Portia empties the fire cans on our backs and hair. Cinna gives me the remote to push and within minutes we are ready to go. I am more nervous than I could imagine. I am silently praying for this to work, for the capitol to see both of us and not just me again. Peeta deserves some help in the arena, he almost died the first time around.

Cinna and Portia hugs us good bye.

"You will be like two phoenix's being reborn, so act like it." Cinna says to me dreamily. I nod. "But don't be to royal, they must see the child, the young women, in you." He finish of.

That will be easy I think sarcastically. I haven't been a child for some time now.

"You will be the tributes of district twelve, the once on fire." Portia declares. How rights he is in that I think as I turn around and grip the side of the chariot. Peeta standing next to me. We are almost ready. My hands are sweating and I resist the temptation to wipe them off on my clothes. I might drop the remote if I do.

Opening ceremonies are about to start and before us stands eleven chariots, all filled with their tributes, awaiting their starting signal.

"If I'm caught in fire Katniss. Will you save me?" I hear Peeta say between closed lips.

"If you save me." I answer on instinct. "Think what image it will be. Us jumping around trying to extinguish each other's fire."

Peeta laughs.

"I can see Seneca Crane now…. Their smoking hot!" Peeta says in a capitol dialect. I look at him startled and then I am laughing. I'm laughing so hard that Peeta has to hold me up. The other close by tributes are looking at me and I try to point at Peeta, to show them it is his doing. Our horses ignore my outburst. They are well trained to ignore us, fully focused on their mission.

"If I get badly burned I am going to force Haymitch into sobriety." Peeta continues when I finally managed to control my laughter. "Isn't he supposed to stop people from killing us?"

I start laughing again. Peeta's manages to hold back but he too is laughing, I can see it in his eyes.

"Can…Can you imagine… He and Cinna… trying to…" I have a hard time getting out what I want to say. I have to pinch myself on the thigh hard to make myself be able to focus.

"I mean. Can you imagine Haymitch arguing with Cinna and Portia… over clothes?" I snort at the thought. Not a chance. Peeta most agree with me for I manage to get a smile.

"Mmhm. You might be right. Besides. He might actually make the flames real, what with him carrying around so much alcohol in his body." Peeta says. I manage to just chuckle at that.

Chapter 13

We don't have time for any more conversation for we are finally given the signal that the opening ceremony is about to start. The tick and massive door in front of us opens slowly as the national anthem is played. The public sits on the lector that stretches n before us. Half the population must be attending. As long as the eye can see a straight path is before us. It will take us to the circle, there we will greet President Snow. It will be the first time for over twenty years that I will lay my eyes on him again. I have to remember not to show my hatred for him.

The concretion will begin with district 1, the luxury district. They are beautiful dressed in colorful colors and expensive jewels. Their horses are pure white. They make out the dolls of the districts and are of course loved by the Capitol.

After 1 comes district 2, the masonry and weapon district. I don't like them and I like Clove and Cato even less. They look blood thirsty as they shout at the public. I know that they will be the more dangerous one in the arena; that district always are. The tributes are dressed in white and clear gold, portrayed as warriors from an ancient old culture.

After them comes district 3 and 4; three being the district for technologically advances and four the fishing district. The tributes from 3 are dressed in plates and wires while the fishing district are dressed in nets, seaweed and blue colored clothes.

District 5, 6 and 7 follows. Tributes from five are dressed in suits that is to protect one from electricity. Tributes from six in Conductor outfits, looking like train workers. District seven are dressed as wood.

District 8, 9 and 10 eventually joins them. Eights tributes looks like the latest fashion models, heavy dressed in layers of textiles. Nines tributes are different types of grain and ten are dressed in cow skin.

The chariot in front of us contains Trench and Rue. I have been avoiding looking at her. But as we to start moving my eyes lands on her. She is dressed in a soft green dress. Her hair done into an elaborated flower like pattern. She looks like a seed-flower in bloom. Trech looks more like a farmer though. He clearly didn't get the best stylist.

By the time I and Peeta are about to enter the square the sky has already turn gray, it is late afternoon I realize. Mother and Prim is home right now and looking at me. I gather courage from this fact. I can manage to fool an old man, he will only look at me for a few seconds, no more. I can make it through this.

Just before we head out I get the signal from Cinna and I light us on fire. We have to bite hard into our lips to not scream. I never got used to that fire, it is still scary as hell when you look behind you and see life-like fire kissing your hair.

We finally enter the square and every eye of the capitol can now see us. First there are stunned silence, but soon the shouting starts.

I look over the public and I fill my stomach tying itself into a nut. So many people.

Peeta get the game immediately and starts waving at the crowd and they go wild for him. I only manage to smile and nod politely. I can't bring myself to be lovey-dovey with this people. Not when all I can hear is the dying screams of my people.

Peeta turns to me and I to him. He looks at me in question. He sees how hard this is for me. He smile softly and reaches out. I meet him halfway and our hands lock. I has a firm grip of my left hand and I of his right one. He lifts it into the sky, for the Capitol to see. The crowd goes wild.

Soon we can hear how the crowd are screaming "district twelve" and I can breathe easier. They noticed us once again and by the looks of it even Peeta will get quit the followers. The women looks positively in love with him. If they dare touch I will shop of their hands. Everyone can see us just fine, despise the flames on our backs. We are like two phoenixes reborn, like Cinna said, and because the little makeup we had done on our faces we are easily recognizable for the crowd. We are the favorites for this night. But I know that it can easily change in an instant.

I hardly notices anything of the crowd after a while. There is too much going on. I do manage to capture some of the roses thrown at us and Peeta has equal luck. But all I can focus on is the fire on my back, my hand in Peeta's and that soon I and President Snow would meet.

I do refocus when Peeta squeezes my hand and I quickly look at him. He looks a bit worried. He still has the smile on, but his eyes are troubled. I follow his gaze and see an old man in the crowd. He is looking at Peeta with fire in his eye. My eyes goes hard. I gather my strength and I pull Peeta hard to me. The crowd is shocked. I have Peeta's neck in a lock and are resting my head over his ear. I stare into the old man's eyes and I am clearly challenging him. He back down, spooked by the fire in _my_ eyes.

When I am sure that we have past the man I let go of Peeta. To the public it would have looked like we were hugging, but the man understood the hidden meaning with my actions _"back off"._ Peeta pretends like nothing was wrong but I could still see that he had a harder time smiling to the crowd. I step a bit closer to him and started waving more energetic and seeking out the people's eye. Trying to make it easier on Peeta.

By the time we are at the City Circle my hand is almost blue. We have been holding each other so tight that we almost could hear bones shifting. The twelve chariots fill the loop of the City Circle. In the middle of the Circle is President Snow's mansion. I get the chills as I see it. I hate that building.

When we come to a stop and the music ends President Snow appears on the front steps to his mansion. He is a small man, is the first thing I think. I have forgotten how mortal he was, he was made into the symbol of oppression during the war and to me he was like a giant tyrant. I thing I could never defeat. Now as I look at him I find myself curios. This man has skillfully managed to build up, maintain and strengthen Panem. Maybe on the bodies of children but still a powerful message indeed.

Instead of a tyrant I see a small man dressed in white. His hair is paper-white. He looks like a normal old capitalist. Not like a man capable of murder and torture. Looks can be deceiving. The President greets us and speaks for a few minutes. The cameras circle the chariots, I and Peeta being the clear favorites. Then it is off to the training facilities.

I'ts an entire building specifically design for the tributes. Every district has its own floor, starting with one and up. I think there is a symbolic touch to the roof, level thirteen, which is an open area for a garden specifically grown by the Capitol. Nothing on it is natural born. The complex in itself is to be looked at as a home for the Tributes. In my eyes is like a cell, design to slowly kill me. I don't want to go there, but I know I have no choice.

...

As we leave the public's eyes our prep team descends upon us. Peeta and I finally let go of each other's hand and we try to message some life into our sore limbs. While our team seems overjoyed by the crowd's response the other tributes are shooting us dark looks. They don't like how much attention we gained. We are going to have to watch our backs from now. We are not well liked.

We are helped by Cinna and Portia down from the chariot. The flames are soon put out and we can breathe easier. Neither of us speak to the other, but when Portia wants to lead Peeta away we are clearly unwilling to part. Cinna has to promise me a hot shower to make me follow him. I look at Peeta and we give each other a silent good bye and start walking to separate prep-rooms.

After having a hot shower and been dressed in new clothes I make myself to the top of the building together with Effie. We have an entire floor to ourselves I realize as she tells me that Haymitch is collecting Peeta. I nod and sit down at the dinner table that is placed in front of a large window. I start eating without being told and by the time Haymitch and Peeta join us I have already eaten three sandwiches, soup, one apple and two bananas. Peeta ditches Haymitch and joins me in the nearby chair and digs in. he is as hungry as I am.

When nighttime comes we all retire to our rooms. But as I make myself ready for bed I start to feel alone and lost. I can't make myself relax for something is missing. I sit on my bed alone. The wall with choice-able background set on a dark forest. I am thinking hard.

I can't make myself stop. I know how important sleep is, that and food but something is missing. I let my hands flow over the soft fabric on the bed. It feels like water. I breathe in the cool air and try to think of Prim and mom. How much I miss them, but they are not what on my mind at the moment. Peeta is, this games will be hardest on him. He has no survival skill out in the forest.

His whole life has been about fearing it. The last time he made the smart move and created an alliance with Cato. It had cost him his leg but he had lived. On his own I realize that he would have died. Incapable of hunting for his own food. I have to remember to tell him about the nightlock berries and other poisonous food. The idiot almost died the last time.

After while I can't sit still anymore. I feel too contained. I walk into the main room, at first I believe myself alone but a burp announces the present of another. I walk towards the bar that is on the other side of the room, hidden away by heavy curtains of black metal plates. They make a clicking sound as I move them, I lock eyes with a pair of red swollen ones. At first you would think it is because of the drinking, but the redness of the cheeks tells me the man has been crying.

I look around, there is no one but us. I curse silently, I have never been good at comfort. Not even the Avoxes are around, probably lockdown in their room and I wasn't about to wake the poor bastards. I huff as I realize that I'm the one left with the mess that is Haymitch. I move to sit next to him at the bar, I touch its black and shining glass. It is cold under my hand.

"What's up?" I say lamely. I sound like an idiot, but that's the only thing I can think of saying.

"You… You know. I… I hate this shit." Haymitch slurs as he throws his free hand around him. Indicating the whole Capital. I silently agree with him, I hate it to. I say nothing. He looks at me.

"You ain't dumb." He says after staring at me for a few seconds.

"No I'm not." I say. "But I ain't smart either."

He nods at this. Agreeing. It had taken me years to accept that my intelligence was limited, that I wasn't smarter than others. I just looked at the world from another point of view than normal. Guess it happens when you spend year focusing on two points: survival and food.

We sit in quiet for a while.

"Can't sleep?" He says. He won't look at me.

"No. Too much to process."

He nods before lowering his head into his hands. The glass of whiskey left alone for a while.

"That the trick you know." Haymitch says, his voice lowered.

"To think?" I ask. He shakes his head.

"No to take time to process." He says. He looks up at me and makes sure that I listen.

"That the key. If you slow down for just a second and process what happening it gives you more tools." I get what he is saying, but we both know that it's not that simple.

"A bit hard to stop when the person behind you is trying to kill you." I half-joke. It makes him chuckle.

Silence descends again. He is of in his own land, miles from the bar. I can see how he starts yearning for another sip of the booze, his hand is starting to twist.

"We understand you know." I say to distract him and take a hold of his glass, moving it out of the way. He is startled by my sudden action and seems intrigued. As intrigued as a drunken man can look.

"What?"

"The pain." I say. That pisses Haymitch of, but I plow on.

"We understand what you have to do everytime. How you are forced to choose and watch us die. How little you have to work with. We understand Haymitch." I say it softly, but with a strong voice. I need him to realize that we don't look to him as our savior, that we know that he is in a similar situation. You are never free from the Game. NEVER.

He flies of the barstool, knocking it over. The sound seems bigger than it is because of the open space around us. He don't stay around, he practically storms away towards his room. I won't see more of him tonight. He will be busy being pissed.

I half-smile at this and raises the glass to my mother. I stop when a new voice speaks behind me.

"That went well." Peeta says. He looks as tired as I feel. He smiles at me, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He almost looks like a ghost, or as close to a ghost a living being can come. I move a bit to my left to invite him to sit. He does. I give him the glass and he takes a small sip, his gasp makes me smile a bit more warmly.

"Do you think he is right?" Peeta asks me.

"About what?"

"About his advice." Peeta says as he take another sip before handing me back the glass.

"Yes." I answer. "But it will be a hard one to adhere to. Our instinct will tell us to act, not to think or deal with what's happening."

"How do you know this Katniss?"

"I know because after my father died all I could do was react to everything for months. I stopped thinking and I didn't even realize it." I say, it wasn't until Peeta gave me the bread that I took the time to think. I know how hard it is to process what is happening when you are too busy trying to survive.

At my words Peeta only nods.

"...Are you tired." I ask.

"Yes. But I can't sleep." He answers.

"Neither can I."

He just hums at this. I wait for a couple of seconds, the idiot doesn't grasp it. I roll my eyes. I turn to him and poke him on the forehead.

"We slept well together, no nightmare. Willing to do it again?" I ask in a snark voice. Irritated by his idiocy. Men!

"Oh!" Is what I get as a reply. I'm ready to call it quits and go back to bed. As I move to get up Peeta stops me by placing his hand over mine on the table. I look at him, he is smiling for rea this time.

"Sure. That would be great." I nod and take hold of his hand and lead him to my room. I open the doors and walk inside. Peeta quietly follows, trying to be as quiet as he can be. He sounds like a drunken fool trying to find his way home. I bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing. All that grace he can have in a room full of people, but the moment he is unsure of his environment he turns into a stumbling baffon.

"Will the trees and the sound bug you?"

"No! It is calming, but I'm not used to it." Peeta says.

"The forest isn't a bad place, it is full of beauty and serenity. Remember that and you will be fine" I tell him as I draw the cover from the bed. We crawl in and get settled. We curl up close to one another, not quite touching, but close.

We were sleeping within minutes.

…

The next day is full of activity. I was thankful for the rest that I got and I could see that Peeta was glad for it to. This morning we hadn't been as lucky as the one before. We both woke at the same time to Effie shrieking and yelling of "Hurry up". We almost fell of the bed. We had moved closer in our sleep and had already been balancing precariously close to the edge. Thankfully Peeta was quick and strong enough to catch us before we tipped over.

It progressed from there into a full out nightmare. At the table Effie went on and on about our success the other day, how she had meet with so many people to advertise us and how much my volunteering has moved the masses. Then a drunk Haymitch had spilled alcohol over the entire table. To make matters even worse I had to spend my entire morning staring at the Avocets. I hated it, especially seeing _her_. Once her presence filled me with guilt and horror, but today with anger and disgust.

The Avex was GI ire, Darius wife. I can remember holding her baby and helping her cook food at their home. I can remember how Peeta was the one that introduced Darius to GI ire and how they had made her come out of her shell. Here she now was, meek and afraid once again, silenced forever by the capitol, and I could do nothing. Just like before. Just like always.

I couldn't even talk to the redhaired girl with dark blue eyes and slim face. Her status as Avox made her a part of the furniture. To speak to her would mean a severe punishment for the Avox, whilst talking at her was acceptable.

All of this of course had put me in a bad mode. A fact that Haymitch used for his own amusement viciously. At the moment we were on the way down to the training facilities. Haymitch being our guide. Peeta wasn't saying much and neither was I, but the same couldn't be said about Haymitch this fine morning.

"So… How long have you been lovey-dovey? Hum!... Come on tell uncle Haymitch all about it."

I was contemplating murder. His one saving grace being that we had arrived at the ground floor and would soon be in the presence of the other tributes. Haymitch must be the favorite child of the gods or he would have been killed a long time ago.

...


End file.
